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Sunday, October 30, 2005

The Body

It was after my first year of college when I became serious about exercise. Maybe it was the freshman fifteen. Er, twenty. Whatever. But I remember I was sitting in my room and feeling out of shape. I weighed around 190lbs., at the most. So, I got up and I put on some shoes and went outside and started running. Then I started going to the gym. And three years later, I'm still doing it.

Right now, I'm at 160lbs. I was talking with a friend about it recently. It made me wonder why I was doing it. Was it to be healthy? To impress girls? Both of those are probably logical answers. But I don't think they're the reasons I do it.

You may be aware that I have a slight superhero fascination. And that, one day, I hope to be one. And I think when the time comes, and I am suddenly bombarded with large amounts of gamma radiation, or struck by lightning after mistakenly drinking some mysterious beaker of fluid, or bitten by some cursed animal who's bitten me on the exact night when biting will transfer mystical powers to me, I will have the physique all ready to go. I'm in good shape right now. Almost good enough for a superhero occupation.

So, that's the reason. I work out because, when I am somehow given supernatural powers, I will already look like a superhero. It makes sense. It's solid logic. Don't poop on it.


One thing that has always amused me though is guys shaving their bodies. I don't understand it, and, as far ahead as I can predict, I won't ever be doing it. I will not be shaving my chest. It makes me laugh.

Why? That’s my question. I suppose some women like a hairless guy, probably in the same way that some people prefer hairless dogs or cats. But think about the reaction you have when you see a hairless dog or cat. Like, Gah! Or Oh, sweet Jesus! Or Oh, beard of Zeus!

That’s the reaction I have when I see guys who shave their bodies. Women, do you think they just wake up like that? They don’t. And somewhere in the world there’s a drain that isn’t working up to its full potential. I’m not sure what is more disturbing to me. That these guys have no hair, intentionally, or that at some point during the course of a day, they step into the bathroom, lather themselves from neck to ankle and say, “Okay, let’s shave this body.” Bizarre.

Now, is it a double standard that women are considered less attractive for having more body hair? Yeah, it is. But like Seinfeld’s Elaine points out, the female form is a work of art, and the male body is just for getting around. Like a Jeep. When males walk around believing that their body is a work of art, they have issues. Deep issues. These issues won’t be reached by a Schick Quattro. Not by the first blade. Not by the second. Not by the third. And, no, not even by blade quattro.


I have more of a Wolverine body, or an Indiana Jones body.

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You won't find body shaving gel anywhere in Dr. Jones' bathroom, that much is certain. And if you do, you should also check his bed, because I’m sure you’ll find the actual owner of said body shaving gel. The smooth, sexy, female archeologist owner.

Indiana Jones is the archetype I guess I aim for. He's the kind of man who will read you a paper concerning the proper excavation techniques of ancient Egyptian burial sites, and then stuff the paper down your throat before kicking the shit out of you. Possibly with some long-lost ancient Egyptian artifact. Which he excavated himself. Using the proper techniques and guidelines. All while fighting a group of no less than thirty Nazi soldiers.

Wow. I really am a lot like Indiana Jones.

20 Comments:

At 7:47 PM, Anonymous Jeff said...

You have a great blog. I really enjoyed stopping by.

Aloha,

Jeff

 
At 9:15 PM, Anonymous L 12 said...

If women have to spend all this time looking pretty (Do you think we just wake up like this? We don't) then men should have to do something worthwhile. Maybe not grooming-wise, but self-improving wise. And I'm NOT talking reading porn or talking about sports.

 
At 9:24 PM, Blogger andrea said...

You can always buy a superhero costume with the six-pack built in, so why do you bother?

 
At 10:14 PM, Blogger Gloria Glo said...

and yet, Indie obviously shaves his chest....I guess he *did* just wake up like that...

 
At 10:30 PM, Blogger Katie said...

Not just Nazis, but Thugees too! Sorry, getting off track there, but any talk of Indiana Jones and I am immediately distracted. And then you just had to go and mention Wolverine. I don't think he wakes up with his hair (and I mean on his head) like that. Can you just imagine the amount of gel he uses everyday?

You covered many subjects in this piece, and it's good to see your concern for the human body. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go and apply to The Swan and further sculpt the work of art that my body ought to be.

 
At 11:18 PM, Blogger lovelygreensweater said...

You know I must agree with Katie here. The manly *and hairy* Wolverine most definately does not wake up lookig like that and as much as I admire the smart, yet ass-kicking, Indiana Jones he looks a bit hairless in this picture, just a bit...Although if thats the look your going for "amen!" brother because we need more good looking yet not so "mr. universe" bulky superhero's like Wolfy and Mr.Jones here.

 
At 12:18 AM, Blogger Former Intern Andy said...

Ha, what? Look at Indie's chest. Clearly hairy.:)

And I'm not implying that women need to achieve some unattainable standard. I'm not saying anything about what women "should" do, only what men shouldn't, heh.

Men should try to stay in some kind of shape, but shaving the body. Idk, just seems... a little weird to me.

 
At 11:38 AM, Blogger Chris said...

As a gay guy, I'm also pretty sick of this shaving things down. Who wants a boy? I want a man! (Seriously, if you know of someone... anyone…)

This shaving it all is a "straight-boy thing" where if a little is good, then too much is even better A classic example would be cologne. Too many guys swim in the stuff –most of them straight—when you should only smell another’s cologne when you are close to them. That keeps you close. If you can smell them a block away, who wants to risk asphyxiation?

It started with gay-porn: guys shaved their balls... leading to trimming their bush so "it" would look bigger. Then word got out and straight-boys thought (using the term 'thought' loosely: "Hey... If a little trim is good, then a complete shave is better!"

This is why every straight-boy should come with a gay friend who will prevent such errors. A little manscaping: good. Too much: you look narcissistic. (Another side benefit of the gay friend, you appear ‘sensitive’ to others and also look secure in your sexuality—which women also like).

You can read more in my upcoming book “Fag Bud: Using Gay Friends to Pick Up Chicks,” if I ever get around to writing it…

 
At 12:42 PM, Blogger Adammmmmm said...

I'm 25. And as soon as I get chest hair. I vow to never shave it.
Although, the only super power I have is the ability to control the length of my fingernails.

 
At 4:45 PM, Blogger Katie said...

Sorry Andy, got a little carried away. And I get your point. Though putting the picture of Indie next to the very, very hairy Wolverine makes him look less so. And he's so tan, it's hard to pick up on the chest hair. Just saying...

 
At 6:48 PM, Blogger Jason said...

Any day now that chest hair is going to spring to life, I just know it. Until then, I just have to be content with my thick, lush nipple hair.

Andy - you like the run, right? Any thought of running a marathon?

 
At 6:49 PM, Blogger Jason said...

oops, sorry, I just realized how creepy that sounded. No part of that was a pickup line, I promise. I'm happily married (no, really).

 
At 10:19 PM, Anonymous L 12 said...

My comment was meant as a joke, in case you thought I was being serious (or offended). I'm sure you can appreciate people missing other peoples' sarcasm...

 
At 10:20 PM, Blogger Former Intern Andy said...

Katie: Oh gosh, no apology necessary. I completely agree with you. :)

Jason: HA! Yes, it was a bit creepy. But it's Halloween! So, creep away! And I've thought about a marathon. I don't even know where one would go to sign up for a marathon. Hmm...

 
At 5:23 AM, Blogger Jason said...

You are somewhere in Wisconsin, right? You can't be too far from Chicago. The Chicago Marathon is the biggest in the world (I'm prettty sure) and goes through downtown Chicago as well as all the best neighborhoods in Chicago. There are also 44,000 people running it, so there are plenty of running partners. It's easily the best one that's anywhere near Wisconsin. If you are interested in doing one, one of my blogs is a marathon training blog, which you can obviously get to from my profile. That site has some links and stuff.

 
At 12:49 PM, Blogger jazz said...

i hurt just thinking about a prickly man's chest rubbing up against me. it would really hurt!!

 
At 6:22 AM, Blogger Carrie said...

Admittedly, I like my men to be a little less hairy. I wouldn't mind a shaved chest (so long as it isn't poking me), but legs is where I draw the line. Shave your chest, shave your balls... but if a man shaves his legs then he's DEFINITELY planning on putting a pair of pantyhose over them. JMO.

 
At 8:33 AM, Blogger spinsterwitch said...

Stop! Razors should not be invading genitalia...men or women! (Let's talk about full-brazilians and how creepy it is...do you really want a pre-pubescent girl?)

Shave whatever else you like, I say...But I agree with Jazz that whisker burn on the chest...not digging the idea so much.

 
At 12:08 AM, Blogger SJ said...

I think all men who have shaved their bodies shld sue Gillette for the "emotional trauma" and we shld ban all shaving gel/razor advertising too. Esp those targeted at children... what shaving ads aren't targetted at children? Well we cld ban it before they think of it.

Chris:
“Fag Bud: Using Gay Friends to Pick Up Chicks,” , Thats real funny. Give me an autographed copy.
Here I assume Chris is gonna keep coming back to the page and read my reply.

 
At 6:29 PM, Blogger geekdarling said...

A little late with the hairy comment...

I think we should all ban shaving! Down with the razor!

Nothing wrong with a hairy man! As long as you keep the hair on your back covered while you run!

 

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