The Body

It was after my first year of college when I became serious about exercise. Maybe it was the freshman fifteen. Er, twenty. Whatever. But I remember I was sitting in my room and feeling out of shape. I weighed around 190lbs., at the most. So, I got up and I put on some shoes and went outside and started running. Then I started going to the gym. And three years later, I'm still doing it.

Right now, I'm at 160lbs. I was talking with a friend about it recently. It made me wonder why I was doing it. Was it to be healthy? To impress girls? Both of those are probably logical answers. But I don't think they're the reasons I do it.

You may be aware that I have a slight superhero fascination. And that, one day, I hope to be one. And I think when the time comes, and I am suddenly bombarded with large amounts of gamma radiation, or struck by lightning after mistakenly drinking some mysterious beaker of fluid, or bitten by some cursed animal who's bitten me on the exact night when biting will transfer mystical powers to me, I will have the physique all ready to go. I'm in good shape right now. Almost good enough for a superhero occupation.

So, that's the reason. I work out because, when I am somehow given supernatural powers, I will already look like a superhero. It makes sense. It's solid logic. Don't poop on it.

One thing that has always amused me though is guys shaving their bodies. I don't understand it, and, as far ahead as I can predict, I won't ever be doing it. I will not be shaving my chest. It makes me laugh.

Why? That’s my question. I suppose some women like a hairless guy, probably in the same way that some people prefer hairless dogs or cats. But think about the reaction you have when you see a hairless dog or cat. Like, Gah! Or Oh, sweet Jesus! Or Oh, beard of Zeus!

That’s the reaction I have when I see guys who shave their bodies. Women, do you think they just wake up like that? They don’t. And somewhere in the world there’s a drain that isn’t working up to its full potential. I’m not sure what is more disturbing to me. That these guys have no hair, intentionally, or that at some point during the course of a day, they step into the bathroom, lather themselves from neck to ankle and say, “Okay, let’s shave this body.” Bizarre.

Now, is it a double standard that women are considered less attractive for having more body hair? Yeah, it is. But like Seinfeld’s Elaine points out, the female form is a work of art, and the male body is just for getting around. Like a Jeep. When males walk around believing that their body is a work of art, they have issues. Deep issues. These issues won’t be reached by a Schick Quattro. Not by the first blade. Not by the second. Not by the third. And, no, not even by blade quattro.

I have more of a Wolverine body, or an Indiana Jones body.

You won't find body shaving gel anywhere in Dr. Jones' bathroom, that much is certain. And if you do, you should also check his bed, because I’m sure you’ll find the actual owner of said body shaving gel. The smooth, sexy, female archeologist owner.

Indiana Jones is the archetype I guess I aim for. He's the kind of man who will read you a paper concerning the proper excavation techniques of ancient Egyptian burial sites, and then stuff the paper down your throat before kicking the shit out of you. Possibly with some long-lost ancient Egyptian artifact. Which he excavated himself. Using the proper techniques and guidelines. All while fighting a group of no less than thirty Nazi soldiers.

Wow. I really am a lot like Indiana Jones.