Scientor Is On His/Her Way

We all knew this day would come. For those of you who read my intern blog, you remember the topic. I'm of course talking about Scientology. Then I was simply letting the world know what the Scientologists were doing in Grand Central Station. Enslaving commuters, in honor of their god Scientor, who, until now, had been safely up in the sky, where all deities naturally reside.

We've recently been hit with some new developments. It seems that Tom Cruise, Scientologist, has impregnated Earth-woman Katie Holmes. This is grave news, ladies and gentlemen.

Scientor has been granted a human body and will soon crawl and then later walk among us. He'll be living here in America. And you want to know something else? He's going to be the cutest baby in the history of baby-making. And do you know why? That's part of their plan!

Hear me out. No, wait, let me paint the picture...





Seems like a stretch, but, come on, Tom Cruise -- and I say this as a comfortably heterosexual male -- is pretty damn good looking. With a cute baby, he'll be unstoppable! And now, with Katie Holmes too, they've cornered both sexes of the species! No one will be able to resist! All they need now is a puppy, and they will become the supreme rulers of our planet. You just watch.


For centuries the physical appearance of Scientor has been a mystery. Some people have hypothesized, such as on this masterfully written blog.

What does Scientor look like? Does he have horns? Mandibles? Is it a he at all? We always just assume that when a name is as aggressive-sounding as Scientor (or Skeletor for that matter), it's automatically a male. I’d like to think Scientor is female. With mandibles. Possibly horns. And a suit. Why can't gods wear suits?

Why, indeed, Master of the Written Word. Why, indeed. I guess only time will tell.