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Thursday, October 20, 2005

Scientor Is On His/Her Way

We all knew this day would come. For those of you who read my intern blog, you remember the topic. I'm of course talking about Scientology. Then I was simply letting the world know what the Scientologists were doing in Grand Central Station. Enslaving commuters, in honor of their god Scientor, who, until now, had been safely up in the sky, where all deities naturally reside.

We've recently been hit with some new developments. It seems that Tom Cruise, Scientologist, has impregnated Earth-woman Katie Holmes. This is grave news, ladies and gentlemen.

Scientor has been granted a human body and will soon crawl and then later walk among us. He'll be living here in America. And you want to know something else? He's going to be the cutest baby in the history of baby-making. And do you know why? That's part of their plan!

Hear me out. No, wait, let me paint the picture...

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Seems like a stretch, but, come on, Tom Cruise -- and I say this as a comfortably heterosexual male -- is pretty damn good looking. With a cute baby, he'll be unstoppable! And now, with Katie Holmes too, they've cornered both sexes of the species! No one will be able to resist! All they need now is a puppy, and they will become the supreme rulers of our planet. You just watch.

For centuries the physical appearance of Scientor has been a mystery. Some people have hypothesized, such as on this masterfully written blog.

What does Scientor look like? Does he have horns? Mandibles? Is it a he at all? We always just assume that when a name is as aggressive-sounding as Scientor (or Skeletor for that matter), it's automatically a male. I’d like to think Scientor is female. With mandibles. Possibly horns. And a suit. Why can't gods wear suits?

Why, indeed, Master of the Written Word. Why, indeed. I guess only time will tell.


At 9:34 PM, Blogger Caro said...

this is a sad, sad day. the future supreme emperor of the planet is dyslexic. not that i have anything against people with dyslexia, it's more of an issue with tom cruise and his excess of stupidity. i mean, stupid just oozes out of his ears!

i pity that child. let's only pray they don't get a dog, because with a dog they'll be unstoppable.


At 8:33 AM, Blogger Adammmmmm said...

Alright folks, we need a gameplan. Someone call Dawson and have him kidnap Katie Holmes. He's the only one she will listen to. And we need to put a shiney race car or a fighter jet in front of Tom Cruise. He gets distracted easily.

If all else fails...I'm going in to save the day. Anyone got a coat hanger?

At 4:26 PM, Blogger American Girl said...

is there another definition of mandible i'm not aware of? last i knew, they weren't very scary or unique to evil-doers...

At 4:57 PM, Blogger Nathan Best said...

Please manidbles are horrifying.

At 7:52 PM, Blogger jazz said...

i have to say, that scientology post was a work of sheer genius. probably my favorite of the whole blog.

also, everybody knows tom is really a homosexual so he's secretly bringing in all the gay men too....

At 10:56 PM, Blogger Former Intern Andy said...


(Thanks Jasmine for the email... "where"... gah!...)


At 1:43 AM, Anonymous A girl... said...

I couldn't resist, I had to point out that your images are confusing - if they were meant to be the evil Tom & his stunt fiance, then he should be shorter than her. Either that, or you got it right and Tom was wearing the dress.

At 2:31 AM, Blogger 52X Max said...

Oh, I regret all my past actions and am willing to redeem myself.

Heil Scientor

At 8:25 AM, Blogger Katie said...

Why can't the rest of the world see this coming?! Quickly! Somebody convince Bill Bennett that it's actually the babies of write, rich stars that must be aborted!

At 11:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


I'm watching you!

At 7:53 PM, Blogger SJ said...

Good post.

I was so skinny as a kid my friends called me Skeletor.
I must befriend this Scientor dude.

At 8:34 AM, Blogger LoriLoo310 said...

I think scientor works in my office.

At 6:59 PM, Blogger Syar said...

I love how reading your post is always a double affair. first : laugh at hilarious post. second : laugh at hilarious comments to hilarious post.

sidenote : I agree with adammmm, jazz and a girl.

down with scientor!! keep an eye on your puppies!

that last sentence sounds more ways than one.

At 12:11 AM, Blogger lovelygreensweater said...

I guess its time to start stocking up the ol' bomb shelter again huh...Oh well, at least earth can say it has a supremely cute supreme leader. Thats got to count for something, right?


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