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Sunday, October 09, 2005

Barnes & Noble: A Poem

I went to Barnes & Noble the other day
Or B&N as I call it for short
There's no place quite like a book store
It's a literary safe house, it's an academic fort.

You go there thinking of a certain book
But the search, it will be distracted
It's nice to think you'll take just "a look"
But that assessment will soon be retracted.

I head for the Science Fiction
It is my love and genre of choice
AI and clones and space exploration
Philip K. Dick and Asimov the tools and the voice.

Next I peruse the Baseball section
A sport I've loved since being just a Little Andy
I find a book on my favorite pitcher
His last name was Koufax, his first name was Sandy.

He threw four no-hitters as a Dodger
Including a perfect game in '65
When asked what his best pitch was
"Strike one," is how the lefty replied.

Next I move to the political aisle
But, alas, I can never stay for too long
Bullshit, pundits, more bullshit, and guile
With the same ugly dance, and the same tired song.

First, Bill O'Reilly, with The Factor for kids
It's amazing that his books sell more than two skids
Sean Hannity, your covers, your titles—sweet Jesus, please
Each book should be sold with a large wheel of cheese.

I move over to Science and Einstein and Hawking
The girl with the torn jeans probably thinks that I'm stalking
Yet I just want to read about String Theory and Pi
But I'm getting a weird vibe so I'll go back to Sci-Fi.

Eventually I'm onto humor
With The Onion, Franken, Sedaris, and Vowell
Maybe a second run through the store
Then I should probably throw in the towel.

I find a book in the New Releases
I pick it up and read to page ten
I put it down and I circle the table
Then, retardedly, I pick up the same book again.

You and I will never buy that book
But how optimistic are we?
We linger around an interesting title
Hoping the store will just hand it to us for free.

And there's that girl in the torn jeans again
I swear this time she's in pursuit
She couldn't really be that into IT Management
Then again, I'm not really into the history of the flute.

Lastly, it's the magazines
Where the elite and common see eye-to-eye
Blender, Rolling Stone, Maxim and Cosmo
None of which anyone will actually buy.

We all walk to the exit a little disappointed
So many that we almost want to buy
If we had a million to spend on just books
We'd still need a week to look and decide.

Silently we walk away from the store
With no purchase (or phone number) to bring back
We all return home from B&N and realize
That unread books is not something we lack.

The End.


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At 1:23 AM, Blogger Syar said...

spamments, spamments,
oh when will thee stop?
your comments sometimes amuse me
but most times make my arteries go 'pop.'

sorry, I got inspired there.

we don't have a barnes&noble here, but we have giant bookstores that can pass for the Sahara so I know what you're talking about.

At 9:59 AM, Blogger American Girl said...

profound! intriguing, inspiring... it makes me want to hit the self-help section on my next man-hunt. maybe i'll find someone leafing through "how to see it from her point of view and give her the massage of her life"

At 6:59 PM, Blogger jazz said...

i'm oddly impressed by this.

good work.

At 5:51 AM, Blogger Matt said...

Wow. You've said everything that I've always wanted to about my adventures at B & N AND you did in the form of a Poem! Well Done Andy ... well done.

At 7:57 AM, Anonymous Big Bro said...

Unfortunately, I never have the problem of leaving B&N emptyhanded. My thought processes in B&N run something like this: "What? Another pseudo-historical mystery that the publicist relates to The DaVinci Code? I must have it!" "Spoons: Foundation of the Well-Mannered Society? Well, that could be an interesting read..." "Philosophy and Saturday Night Live? Ugh... this series has gone a little too far, hasn't it? But, I might as well get it because this article looks interesting..."

At 11:56 AM, Blogger Adammmmmm said...

We had a bookstore in Morgantown called "The other bookstore" I used to direct visiting parents there when they needed shit. Unfortunately for them, it was an "adult" bookstore. I wish I could've been there when they walked in with their 10 year old and immediately ran right into the dildo section. They did have whipits there. Those are fun for about 30 seconds. WWWAAAAAAAA!

At 10:07 PM, Blogger Caro said...

have they started taking away the couches? yes, in my local barnes & nobles (i'm a patron of 2), they've removed the couches. so i grab coffee (the only thing i actually buy) and a pile of books and sit up camp against a column.

my friends and i once sat on the floor in a line, each reading a book upside down. as soon as we got kicked out, i realized the error of my could i so desanctify this temple to unbought books?! how could i have brought my non-bookish friends into my sacred house of worship?! i am still overcome with grief.

At 8:05 PM, Blogger lovelygreensweater said...

If you like sedaris check out Augusten Burroughs. ;)

At 7:47 AM, Blogger Katie said...

"I find a book in the New Releases
I pick it up and read to page ten
I put it down and I circle the table
Then, retardedly, I pick up the same book again."

Utter genius. It's so good to know that someone understands! My friends and I often have a similar sort of ritual, except that one of us (at least) is drunk. It makes it more entertaining.


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