Ah, the third Saturday of October. Also known as Sweetest Day.
The popular origin story of Sweetest Day involves a man named Herbert Birch Kingston, a philanthropist and candy company employee. In 1922, he created it to bring happiness into the lives of orphans, shut-ins and others who were forgotten. So sweet.
And now, that tradition has evolved into a day where lovers and couples buy each other flowers and candy and cards. Which is good, because we have no other day during the year where that happens. None at all.
However, the true origins are much less known to the common Sweetest Day celebrator.
In the early 19th century, a man named Alfred Sweetest traveled America, tracking down escaped criminals. He was a man dedicated to bringing justice to the wicked. When he located criminals' hideouts, he would leave them cards. Sarcastic cards that said, "Somebody 'loves' you." The truth is, nobody loved them. But that's what Sweetest was getting at.
And just as the criminals picked up and read these cards—and swore if they were smart enough to understand the sarcasm—Sweetest leapt from the shadows and beat them to death. But not without first whispering to them, "Happy Sweetest Day." Again, sarcastic.
Seems like an asshole thing to do, but I guess dispensing justice puts sort of a big head on your shoulders. So you name days after yourself. And use your own name for a battle cry. I guess if I was going to fight criminals, I would also say something like...
"Welcome To Andy Town. Population: Pain. And You're Pain's Next Door Neighbor. Which Means You'll Be Seeing Pain On A Regular Basis. Maybe He'll Borrow Your Hose And Never Give It Back. Or Maybe His Punk Son Will Date Your Daughter. And They'll Grow Up And Get Married. And Then Every Time There's A Family Party Or Get-Together, Pain Will Be There. What I'm Trying To Say Is, Pain Will Be A Ongoing Problem For You In The Near-To-Distant Future."
I'm just riffing here, I'm just riffing. I'll trim it down a bit, maybe.
After beating the criminals, Sweetest would remove their heart and eat it before leaving the scene. I suppose that's where the love aspect of Sweetest Day comes in. You know, hearts are equated with love or something, right? So, I guess you could say that he loved these criminals so much that he just had to kill them, open up their chest, and eat their hearts. Makes sense.
Now at least you know the truth behind this holiday. It's not just a half-assed reason Hallmark and other companies use to sell more crap. They're honoring the name of Alfred Sweetest. Why would you think otherwise? Do you not have a soul? What, do you hate freedom or something?
Oh yeah, I'm starting a new holiday myself. It takes place on the fourth Saturday of every October. It's called, Hey, Remember The Orphans And Shut-Ins We Forgot About Last Week? Day.
I'm sorry, but if you celebrate Sweetest Day, then I am at least one notch above you on the Big Board of Life.
How badly does it suck to be an orphan or a shut-in? A guy creates a day for you, the forgotten. The day transforms into Valentines Day 2. And then you're forgotten all over again. And don't get me started on the zombies who celebrate this misguided holiday. They have problems.