Away Message Hilarity
Since I recently wiped my hard drive clean, I have unfortunately lost a treasure trove of Instant Messenger away messages which I had been creating and collecting for quite a while. Some of them were inspired by particular situations. Some were thought up simply at the moment I was leaving the computer to do something more productive. They were really great. And you'll see none of them. Because they're gone.
But eventually I reinstalled AIM and needed some catchy new away messages which I could use to entertain my friends while I was ignoring them and pretending to be away. So, here are the first few.
"Away messages are the new black. No, the new black. That's the old black. Yes, newer than that one. And that one, too. Do you even know what black is?"
"All my classic away messages are gone, so I need to get you some new ones.
Not right now. I'm away, thinking of them."
"I once killed a man with my bear hands. No, you read correctly. Three years ago I had the severed paws of a grizzly bear surgically grafted onto my own arms. I have grizzly bear hands."
"Some people think that just because I killed a man with my bare hands, it suddenly makes me a "killer" (air quotes). This away message has no need for your pussy, liberal, politically correct voodoo. Go find a tree to hug, Person-who-enjoys-the-sweet-embrace-of-trees."
"If away messages were people, then this single away message would count as a single person. See how that works? Then, also, I would eat this away message. As I am a cannibal."
"How many away messages does it take to screw in a light bulb? Well, away messages can't screw in light bulbs. Otherwise this one would be screwing in the light bulb in my room and not declaring my absence from the computer, while I change and screw in the light bulb myself. Use your head."
Feel free to comment with your own great away messages. Of course, "great" is a subjective term and I wouldn't expect them to be as "great" as mine. If you can make them as "great," then I think that you are just "great." Of course, I'll want to punch you right in the "great," then beat the living "great" out of you. It'll be great. Objectively great.