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Monday, November 14, 2005

Away Message Hilarity

Since I recently wiped my hard drive clean, I have unfortunately lost a treasure trove of Instant Messenger away messages which I had been creating and collecting for quite a while. Some of them were inspired by particular situations. Some were thought up simply at the moment I was leaving the computer to do something more productive. They were really great. And you'll see none of them. Because they're gone.

But eventually I reinstalled AIM and needed some catchy new away messages which I could use to entertain my friends while I was ignoring them and pretending to be away. So, here are the first few.

"Away messages are the new black. No, the new black. That's the old black. Yes, newer than that one. And that one, too. Do you even know what black is?"

"All my classic away messages are gone, so I need to get you some new ones.
Not right now. I'm away, thinking of them."

"I once killed a man with my bear hands. No, you read correctly. Three years ago I had the severed paws of a grizzly bear surgically grafted onto my own arms. I have grizzly bear hands."

"Some people think that just because I killed a man with my bare hands, it suddenly makes me a "killer" (air quotes). This away message has no need for your pussy, liberal, politically correct voodoo. Go find a tree to hug, Person-who-enjoys-the-sweet-embrace-of-trees."

"If away messages were people, then this single away message would count as a single person. See how that works? Then, also, I would eat this away message. As I am a cannibal."

"How many away messages does it take to screw in a light bulb? Well, away messages can't screw in light bulbs. Otherwise this one would be screwing in the light bulb in my room and not declaring my absence from the computer, while I change and screw in the light bulb myself. Use your head."

Feel free to comment with your own great away messages. Of course, "great" is a subjective term and I wouldn't expect them to be as "great" as mine. If you can make them as "great," then I think that you are just "great." Of course, I'll want to punch you right in the "great," then beat the living "great" out of you. It'll be great. Objectively great.


At 4:47 AM, Anonymous Matthew said...

What do you want ? I'm away minding my own business, and you're sending me messages. I'll tell you what you want, you want nothing !

At 4:53 AM, Anonymous Michael said...

I don't bother on IM, but I do have fun with work email. The Merry Christmas in April usually catches people off guard ...

Vacation Alert: I will be away on vacation from X to X. In my absence please feel free to contact the following people:

For Sales or Team Inquires:
For Technical Issues:
For that time in the day when you really need to yell at someone:

Merry Christmas

At 6:41 AM, Blogger Carrie said...

I use YIM because, well, it's better than AIM. And up until the recent update you had limited space to work with. So mine are always short and sweet.


"Cheesus is lord."

"Beer, the other white meat."

"Moo if you love cheese."

"Busy smurfing."

I like them, even if you don't. :)

At 7:30 AM, Blogger Katie said...

I generally just log off if there's bo one there I really want to talk to. And if I do throw my away message on, it's usually with quotes from friends or movies. I'm just not as witty as you when it comes to away messages.

At 8:03 AM, Blogger Lysander said...

->insert humourous away quip here<-

At 8:40 AM, Blogger Adammmmmm said...

No AIM for me. I can't stand that sound it makes. But I'll give it a shot.

"Adam's not here and his computer is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please stick a post it note to me and I'll let him know you wanted something."

At 10:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about....



At 11:33 AM, Blogger Matt said...

what about "Hey! Are you too blind to look at my screenname and notice that I have the little "away" symbol? Or maybe you're so stupid that you'd actually think I'm just "pretending" to be away when I'm really reading your message right now. Well, I'm not ... I'm right behind you ... sucker. Pass me some Doritos."

At 3:00 PM, Blogger lovelygreensweater said...

I have some but don't judge me...
I'm against abortion, but for killing babies. That way everyone loses, and I win.
I am busy talking to Dungeon Master Don, who wants to mumify me. Have you noticed that the world's getting weirder?

I'm not sure where I picked up these little phrases but apparently I thought they were worth making into away messages.

At 4:58 PM, Blogger American Girl said...

you've inspired me to actually create one..

At 8:23 PM, Blogger Syar said...

I hardly ever messenger, and when I do I'm on MSN because most of my friends are on there. However, I shall take a whack at these messages.

"I'm off trying to win the nobel prize for cognitive science, predict exactly when and where hurricanes will happen, save the blue-tongued tropical lizard from extinction and wax my legs. And YOU spend your free time reading dumb away messages? Bah, off with you, lowly cretin. And go do some recycling."

At 8:52 PM, Blogger SJ said...

I sometimes leave something like "F--A--S--T" or "FA||ST" when I am at breakfast.

At 9:03 PM, Anonymous anycollegestudent said...

"The [my name] has escaped from her room and is currently at large in the [city]/[county] area. For more information, please call her cell phone."

At 9:21 PM, Blogger jan said...

I'm REALLY away. Seriously. So don't try msgin me. Cos I'm not gonna answer. Well, not because I hate you. I love you really. It's just that, I'm REALLY away. Trust me.

At 9:59 PM, Anonymous patty said...

mine's always the same:

i'm screening you.

At 5:33 AM, Blogger Michelle said...

I don't do away messages as I don't have AIM, but if i did mines would be:

"I'm away. Seriously. If you try to talk to me I will NOT reply. Even if I am only pretending because you actually really irritate me....hahah got ya."

It lulls the messager into a false sense of security because I probably will be still sitting at the desk with the away message on!

At 4:45 PM, Blogger fluidthought said...

out of my mind - back in ten minutes.

At 1:08 PM, Blogger Miss Devylish said...

I'm away getting:
a) snacks
b) gossip about my a)boss, b) friend, c) person who thinks they're my friend but really isn't obviously cuz I'm gossiping about them.
c) toiletries.. need anything?
d) some. You know what 'some' is.. don't you? Use your imagination.
e) All of the above.

That's the best I can do. It's not Friday yet.

At 10:05 AM, Blogger Janelle Renee said...

From my dismal list of 4 away messages, my favorite is:
Biting my nails.

Yes, it is true. I am not very funny.

At 10:52 PM, Blogger Dr. Evil said...

I'm currently blogging, which means that in addition to listening to music, I might be staring aimlessly at Winamp's visualizer ... itz so trippy ... wee, looooke at the pritty kolurs ... *blinks* I'm sorry, what?

As the King, I have decided to spend some time ruling from my throne. Talk to you after I hit the "throne room" with some Lysol.

I'm either watching Everybody Loves Raymond, or a movie, with the wife. Maybe if I put in a porno she'll do me.

Rolling around, back and forth, ooo, it's hot and steamy in here ... at the laundromat. Be back in a while, you perverts.

I'm around here somewhere. As soon as I find myself I'll plop that bastard down in front of the 'puter and have him give you a hollar back.

At 10:13 AM, Anonymous said...

So, I do not really consider it may have effect.

At 9:42 AM, Anonymous India Pharmacy said...

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