Image Hosted by

Monday, November 07, 2005

I Saw A Guy 'Too Cool For This School' Today

Today at work, as I ate lunch in the café, a few gentlemen came in. Two younger guys and an older man, probably the father of the two. They seemed normal enough. Except for one of the younger guys. He was wearing sunglasses when he came in the doors. Still wearing them when he sits down and orders. Still wearing them when he begins eating.

It really bothered me. Maybe he was blind, though. Well, no, he was reading a menu. And as he sat and chewed his food — mouth open; as he spoke loudly using many expletives; as he looked at the bill and counted his roll of twenty dollar bills, licking his finger between every note (sunglasses still on), it occurred to me. He’s not blind at all. He’s just an asshole.

  • Sunglasses indoors
  • Spoke loudly
  • Ate obnoxiously
  • Sunglasses indoors
  • Blatantly displaying his money to the public
  • Sunglasses indoors

Or maybe he was just a really cool guy. I know that even I sometimes become so cool that I lose track of common sense and decency, like you wouldn’t believe. Like the time I went grocery shopping and I was in front of this woman in the checkout line, and when she put her stuff down on the conveyer belt, I totally didn’t even bother with the divider.

To hell with you, lady shopping at the grocery store behind me. You see this? I don’t even care if our groceries get mixed. Maybe I’ll pay for some of yours. Maybe you’ll pay for some of mine. The truth is, our goods could potentially mix in a flurry of grocery sex-capades and because of my lack of decency — on account of me being cooler than you — I don’t give a shit.

I never said any of that. And it turns out that she actually was blind, so the divider didn’t really matter anyway, I suppose. But her seeing-eye dog sensed my don’t-give-a-shit attitude. No doubt.

But I guess what would have been cooler than that guy...

  • counting his money
  • wearing sunglasses indoors
  • with a complete lack of consideration for everyone around him

...would have been that guy...

  • counting his money
  • wearing sunglasses indoors
  • with a complete lack of consideration for everyone around him
  • with a bomb underneath his seat
  • with a cable attached to the bomb
  • with a detonation trigger attached to the cable
  • with my hand somehow attached to the detonation trigger

Image Hosted by

I know what you’re thinking. Why is the head so small? Well, truthfully, the blog only allows for so much room for pictures, and this was as reasonably large as I could get it without seeming, you know, ridiculous.

Also, his sunglasses could have been heart-shaped or star-shaped. He was that cool.


At 7:00 PM, Blogger lovelygreensweater said...

You know, he sounded so cool that I bet he even wore his sunglasses at night. What is society coming to andy???

At 9:04 PM, Blogger jazz said...

honey, that's why i want to marry you. because you'll NEVER be too cool for school like that guy.

and even if you were blind, you'd probably think it was cool to leave your eye sockets out to gross out everyone else around you.

because you're fun like that.

At 10:57 PM, Blogger Miss Devylish said...

Maybe he actually was Corey Hart.. did you think of that.. God..

I hate people like that too..

At 12:55 AM, Blogger Syar said...

was he wearing a polo tee with the collar turned up, you know like the other cool indoor-sunglasses-wearer people that are like, too cool to turn down the collar like the other common populace?

I bet he was.

I bet the polo tee was pink.

*my college is crawling with these "cool" people. any advice on how to extermina....I mean, show them back to the right path?

At 9:12 AM, Blogger Adammmmmm said...

I usually just wear my overalls with only one shoulder strap. I was too cool for 5th grade and just stayed that way.

At 9:47 AM, Blogger Katie said...

I believe this is a far more rampant disease than any on the map as of today. You should take this to the WHO.

At 1:58 PM, Blogger Matt said...

Those damn Cool people. They make life for the Mediocre people, like me, practically unbearable. Especially when we whip out our wad of $1's and $5's. Makes me want to pick up my plate of food and chuck it at him in a fit of rage/joy. (that's why he wears sunglasses, by the way, because of people like me that somehow invariably end up launching food at them.)

At 12:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

maybe he had conjunctivitis? or he had a huge diseased lump by his eye which he thought wasnt cool enough for display...


At 7:18 AM, Blogger dbsamson said...

I think you people are all missing the point. Too cool for school is Long Island's, well, island motto. He HAS to wear those sunglasses, flaunt his wealth and yes, just like syar said...pop his "i'm a ghetto rich thug" collar (which is definetly pink, no "coral"). This is part of his heritage, a culture which has pervaded all colleges around the world, everywhere that is asking for sunglasses indoors and people pretending to be movie stars where there are none. And you folk, dare I say it, may be bordering on islandism.

At 4:24 PM, Anonymous bryan said...

haha, nice. how long did it take you do make that picture?

At 7:01 PM, Blogger Former Intern Andy said...

Hours. :)

At 10:35 PM, Blogger Gloria Glo said...

That's pretty darned cool. So cool I almost gave up my entire life to follow him around and wish he'd have sex with me just once so I could get knocked up and earn me some of that cash.

then I saw the bomb.

Hmm. Not so attractive now, Mr. Sunglass-wearing-money-counting pimp-wannabe. So, I went back to my street corner to await the next easy money.

At 11:19 AM, Blogger dbsamson said...

21 days in Hawaii crammed in between two sisters and a pair of overbearing parents in a compact malibu. The actual picture only took 5 minutes but it felt like 2 years were taken away from my me like that water-life-draining machine in the pit of despair.

At 4:53 PM, Blogger Squeaky said...

Perhaps he is actually a pirate who has just wandered for 10 years upon the open seas. He might have needed the glasses to protect his identity so he could enjoy cafe food that he bought with his the booty he recently dug-up from under a "X".


Post a Comment

<< Home