Things I Thought About Today

I think about a lot of things over the course of a single day. Sometimes, in the middle of a thought, I stop and say, "How on Earth did I get here? To this particular thought?" I then backtrack in thought, retrace my steps, if you will, to discover where I started.

For instance, this morning I was thinking about a chocolate chip cookie I was eating, and how I like them chewy and not rock solid. I wondered if eating lots of chocolate chip cookie dough and other unhealthy foods would someday lead me to become stricken with diabetes. That made me think of B.B. King, who has diabetes, and does commercials all about how he tests his blood sugar a few times a day. That made me think that there are probably some people out there who would be too lazy to even check their blood sugar regularly. And then they'd probably die from the lack of responsibility. Then I figured that that might not be such a bad thing. There would be a few less lazy people around.

Finally, I had a reason to shoot a group of people off to the moon, which I had wanted to fit into my thought process for some time. I didn't want to shoot people with diabetes off to the moon. Just lazy people. Some of whom just might happened to have diabetes. It made me think what it would be like on the moon. And if I was an astronaut, what kinds of jokes would I play on Mission Control back in Houston.

ASTRONAUT ANDY to MISSION CONTROL

"Oh my god. Mission Control, you're not going to believe this. But... I think I see something... ALIVE up here. This is unbelievable. This could change science as we know it. It appears to be moving. It's a lengthy creature. Where is it, you ask? Why...

...it's right here in my pants! HAHA! Wow, you should have seen the look on your stupid faces! You guys were all totally ready to change science as we know it with my boner! Nerds! Hilarious! Come on, Buzz, let's go get some moon rocks."

And then I backtrack, saying, "What was I thinking about again? BACKTRACK. Oh yeah, this chocolate chip cookie is chewy! And alliterated, as well."

There were two main things I thought about today.

1. The Congo.
I was listening to the radio. Did you know that about half of The Congo is completely lawless and cut off from the outside world? That means that anything could happen there. You could DO anything there. And anyone could do anything to you! I don't think we can quite grasp the idea, since we are so used to rules and order.

I feel like any and all fights that take place in a lawless region probably turn out to be sissy fights. There are no rules, so everyone would inevitably just fight dirty, pulling hair and scratching. Since there would be no honor code and whatnot.

However, this leads me to believe that no one actually lives in this part of The Congo. No one ever goes there because they all heard from that one guy down the street that it's Hell on Earth. But that guy down the street heard it from another guy, who heard it from another guy. Etcetera. This leads me to my next thought.

The lawless portion of The Congo is probably filled with mythical beasts. If you were a unicorn (or rather the unicorn), would you hide in the US? Hell no, you'd go straight for The Congo, where humans don't dare travel, because it's so "scary." I'll tell you what you'd see. Unicorns, dwarves, goblins, dragons. They all live in the lawless region of The Congo. It makes sense.


2. Our Founding Fathers

There are so many people I've heard criticize the status of our society, largely for moral reasons. Moral decay, I believe is the phrase they would use. I hear them on radio stations all the time saying things to this end.

LISTENER
Can you imagine if the founding fathers
came back and saw what's happened to the
country?? They would literally re-die!

RADIO HOST
Okay, caller, but what about the
issue of today's show? Should we
allow school breakfast programs?

LISTENER
...
oh, well... I'd say I'm cool with it.
...
Go Packers!

Yeah, they would be slightly shocked by the vast amounts of easily accessible pornography. They'd be in absolute awe and amazement of inventions like the television. And hot pockets. Then, they would sit down in front of the television, eat hot pockets, and watch loads of pornography. Wait, "loads" is a bad word to use there. So, why do I continue typing, rather than going back and deleting? I don't know.