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Sunday, November 20, 2005

White House: At Least We're Still Free Of Zombies

Under intense criticism for the mishandled war in Iraq, the Plame leak investigation, and the torture issue, the White House this week released a statement hoping to put things into perspective.

"Listen. Sure, someone in the administration may have ruined the career of a CIA agent. Sure, the Iraq did not go as planned. And [sigh], yes, we have been creatively avoiding the torture issue. But let's put this into perspective.

Here we are, in the 21st century. We have tiny, plastic contraptions which allow us to speak to other people with similar contraptions from anywhere in the world--given a clear enough signal--for a small monthly fee. We can create moving pictures--what the kids are calling "movies"--that entertain millions of people around the world. And, every day, thousands of cute babies are born in the United States. Thousands of adorable faces with thousands of squishy cheeks to squeeze. But these are just some of the things that continue to happen under the Bush adminstration.

Think of what has NOT been happening. Because of the work of this administration, we continue to live in a country free from zombies. Don't think we haven't had an agenda when it comes to protecting the American people from the living dead. Those fat cats in Washington--no, the other ones, we're the good fat cats--all want to talk about the Iraq war and how many soldiers have been killed. NOT BY ZOMBIES, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

This administration is not out to play God. We don't believe God is currently watching the US. Because he trusts this administration. We're his buddies. We have sort of a deal with him. We play to his Earthly constituents as much as possible, and he lengthens the life of Cheney's heart.

Perspective. That's what this country needs. Just a little perspective. Sure, this administration has not had a great record in... well, nearly any issue you can think of, but it's the issues you haven't been thinking of where this administration really shines. These are things which have not been allowed to happen under this administration.

  • Zombies
  • Unicorn homicides
  • Monkey suicides
  • Boats falling off the Earth
  • Children starting child supremacist groups
  • Galactic bounty hunters
  • Earth-destroying asteroids
  • Aliens invading like in Independence Day
  • Machines using humans like batteries like in The Matrix
  • A sequel to The Breakfast Club, set around that douche bag Principal character
  • A group of teenaged turtles mutated by an unknown ooze substance in NYC
  • Groups of teenaged turtles already mutated in other cities being exposed to Ninjitsu
  • Animals gaining the ability to speak
  • Animals gaining the ability to willingly shoot thier masters
  • Animals gaining the ability to explain to their masters why they're willingly shooting them

You see? The Bush administration is on the case. We're looking out for you. You're just not paying attention to the real issues. God bless you all. And God bless America. And God bless God, while we're at it."


At 12:00 AM, Blogger 52X Max said...

mmmmmm, what about Rob Zombie?

At 4:33 AM, Blogger SJ said...

You forgot extinct critters returning to life and sending humans to death (sort of like Find and Replace in your processor).

At 8:33 AM, Blogger Luke said...

See, you've totally turned around my opinion. We'll wait to see if Bush's numbers go up now.

At 9:07 AM, Blogger Lysander said...

damn bush, I want my zombie apocalypse, would make life more interesting.

At 12:20 PM, Blogger Carrie said...

Thank god for the decline in unicorn homicides. I can breathe easy at night.

At 3:05 PM, Anonymous French girl said...

And... American people don't burn French cars; mostly because they don't own them -otherwise they would burn them. And THAT was another reason why you should be thanking God, except if you don't believe in God. Like me. But I'm French, anyway. So I'll probably get killed by a unicorn whose horn is Eiffel-tower-shaped.

At 9:10 AM, Blogger Katie said...

That's not true! American people totally burn cars! It's just covered up, because the states don't want the rest of the world to know that we have a terrorist organization called ELF. Thank god I know I am safe from a Breakfast Club sequel.

At 3:50 PM, Blogger lovelygreensweater said...

praise the lord, i live in a zombie free nation!!!

At 7:15 PM, Blogger Caro said...

oh yes, what so ever would we do if homicidal pink ponies were targeting babies in our great nation?! thank goodness for the bush administration, protecting our infants from serial killing mythical creatures!

as a conservative who once supported bush, i am absolutely fed up with him now.

At 8:44 AM, Anonymous Big Bro said...

Leave it to the damned liberal media to characterize the recent troubles in France as a "racial issue." Thankfully Fox News was there to report the real story: Zombie attacks. The French reliance on nuclear power has finally come home to roost.

At 11:23 AM, Blogger Adammmmmm said...

I'm still worried about hornless unicorns. They blend in way too easily.

At 1:48 PM, Blogger THWP said...

Hey, lay off the zombies already.

At 12:17 AM, Blogger madman said...

Well, at least we have no more monkey suicides. Thank God. No, wait, thank the BUSH ADMINSTRATION!!!!!

At 8:36 AM, Blogger dbsamson said...

dave chappelle as president!!

Mars bitches.

At 9:39 AM, Blogger Miss Devylish said...

Sorry to say.. but #5 has happened.. sort of.. the group is an actual band.. yes, of 2 young girls and their white supremacist beliefs.. Don't believe me? Check it out..

The last Newsweek article I saw on them said they've now gone into hiding.. I would think so. Stupid, stupid parents..

At 11:23 PM, Blogger Former Intern Andy said...

Oh, no, no. I think I actually mentioned them in a previous post. I'm talking about children starting groups with the belief that children are the superior species. Like a "no parents" club. :)


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