White House: At Least We're Still Free Of Zombies

Under intense criticism for the mishandled war in Iraq, the Plame leak investigation, and the torture issue, the White House this week released a statement hoping to put things into perspective.

"Listen. Sure, someone in the administration may have ruined the career of a CIA agent. Sure, the Iraq did not go as planned. And [sigh], yes, we have been creatively avoiding the torture issue. But let's put this into perspective.

Here we are, in the 21st century. We have tiny, plastic contraptions which allow us to speak to other people with similar contraptions from anywhere in the world--given a clear enough signal--for a small monthly fee. We can create moving pictures--what the kids are calling "movies"--that entertain millions of people around the world. And, every day, thousands of cute babies are born in the United States. Thousands of adorable faces with thousands of squishy cheeks to squeeze. But these are just some of the things that continue to happen under the Bush adminstration.

Think of what has NOT been happening. Because of the work of this administration, we continue to live in a country free from zombies. Don't think we haven't had an agenda when it comes to protecting the American people from the living dead. Those fat cats in Washington--no, the other ones, we're the good fat cats--all want to talk about the Iraq war and how many soldiers have been killed. NOT BY ZOMBIES, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

This administration is not out to play God. We don't believe God is currently watching the US. Because he trusts this administration. We're his buddies. We have sort of a deal with him. We play to his Earthly constituents as much as possible, and he lengthens the life of Cheney's heart.

Perspective. That's what this country needs. Just a little perspective. Sure, this administration has not had a great record in... well, nearly any issue you can think of, but it's the issues you haven't been thinking of where this administration really shines. These are things which have not been allowed to happen under this administration.

• Zombies
• Unicorn homicides
• Monkey suicides
• Boats falling off the Earth
• Children starting child supremacist groups
• Galactic bounty hunters
• Earth-destroying asteroids
• Aliens invading like in Independence Day
• Machines using humans like batteries like in The Matrix
• A sequel to The Breakfast Club, set around that douche bag Principal character
  
• A group of teenaged turtles mutated by an unknown ooze substance in NYC
• Groups of teenaged turtles already mutated in other cities being exposed to Ninjitsu
• Animals gaining the ability to speak
• Animals gaining the ability to willingly shoot thier masters
• Animals gaining the ability to explain to their masters why they're willingly shooting them

You see? The Bush administration is on the case. We're looking out for you. You're just not paying attention to the real issues. God bless you all. And God bless America. And God bless God, while we're at it."