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Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Tiny Houses And Snowman Heads

I work at a place called Andrea's. I work every weekday from about 9:30AM to 4:30PM. In the two months I've had this job, I've been on-time in only two or three instances. I've worked at this place for almost seven years, but I was promoted when I got back from New York. I like the people there. They are nice.

I work in the shipping and receiving area of the business. It's a business that sells gifts. Gifts like easily breakable figurines and tiny houses that you surround with other tiny houses. You then put these tiny houses into your own normal-sized house, perhaps decorating it with a Christmas theme. It then becomes a village. A tiny village inside your normal-sized house.

I unpack lots of things which I myself would never buy. The tiny houses, obviously. But there's more. We're already getting in Christmas merchandise. Lots of Santa figures. How many Santas does one need. I suppose you need a lot of tiny Santas, though. For the millions of tiny houses.

We used to sell these rocks that had words carved into them. They were by far my favorite item of all time. Favorite because they were so stupid. These rocks were smooth and round, and had words like "COURAGE," "PEACE," "JOY," and "LOVE." I used to come running into the store, as if tired and out of breath, "Excuse me! I've been to every store in town! Do you by chance have rocks with positive or inspirational words carved into them???" It was good for a laugh.

I always thought it would be funny to have another set of rocks. These rocks, however, would contain words which were more negative. Words like, "WAR," "FAMINE," "DEATH," and, my personal favorite, "POOP." Poop may or may not be a negative word, but I decided just now that it was. Think about it. Can you think of any moment when poop would be a great thing to have. I guess for growing plants and stuff, but most of us don't use poop to grow our plants. Just like most of us aren't interested in keeping tiny houses in our normal-sized houses.

Do you know anyone who has looked at their normal-sized house and thought, "You know what would be cute? If we built a gigantic house around this house?" No one has thought that. Well, someone has, but that person would likely have died shortly after thinking that. Probably from tying their shoe, or smiling to death.

There are a few things that we sell which really scare the hell out of me. For instance, there are these cat and dog food dishes. That itself isn't scary. But these cat and dog food dishes are shaped like cats and dogs. Imagine a cat curling up as if sleeping. And where the main mass of its body should be, there's a big metal bowl. Now imagine another cat padding over to eat from that bowl, right from the other cat's body. Fucked up, right?

We also just received these snowman heads that sit on poles. They have demented grins, and when I see them in the basement of the store, their heads are usually poking over something, as if to say, "Hey, Andy, bring your delicious fingers just a little closer. A little closer. Closer." They're never going to get my delicious fingers. Never. I'll buy a tiny house before I'll allow that to happen.

When we receive merchandise that's broken, probably a result of shipping, we're supposed to send it back. Well, there was once a snowman figurine that I unpackaged, and the head had busted off during shipping. A woman I work with — she's in charge of contacting the vendors — said that I should pack it back up and get it ready for UPS. For a second I considered returning just the head to the vendor, perhaps as a way of sending them a message. Don't fuck with Andrea's, or this will happen to your snowmen.

I never did. But that would have been funny, I think. Not as funny as the tiny houses, or the rocks that say "poop," but the level of hilarity is nearly comparable.

I think the only way I'd allow myself to own one of those tiny villages would be if it was actually inhabited by tiny people. I would be a really great tiny ruler. I myself wouldn't be tiny, but rather I would rule over those who are tiny. I wouldn't be too strict. I mean, the tiny village would take care of most of it, like raising the tiny children. You know what they say, "It takes a tiny village."

Of course everyone in the tiny village would be provided with tiny rods. "Spare the tiny rod, spoil the tiny child." My tiny village will not be a tiny village of tiny children shenanigans.


At 6:40 AM, Blogger jinius said...

ha. love the snowman head idea. very godfather.

At 7:40 AM, Blogger Katie said...

No shenanigans?! Will adult shenanigans be allowed in your tiny village? Do you sell many of these demented snowmen heads? Are they actually popular? Cause if they are, you might want to question the sanity of the American consumer.

At 11:15 AM, Blogger Random said...

Dont' know if you know of this guy, but I think you'd find him amusing

At 12:07 PM, Blogger 52X Max said...

Since you are from Kenosha, and in the spirit of the Holidays, I'm asking something I'm curious about:

Do you people make some kind of "War Of The Worlds" Celebration in Halloween?

like I said, just curious, I know that's got nothing to do with your post

At 2:31 PM, Blogger Me said...

Thanks for the laugh. I never even thought about how stupid most of that shit is.

At 2:52 PM, Blogger GrrlScientist said...

But most Americans are proud residents of a tiny village inside a giant house with their very own giant who looks after them (even though it feels really big to them because they are so tiny). Such is the nature of religion.


At 2:23 AM, Blogger PureViLmay said...



tiny're gooodd

At 11:36 AM, Blogger kinkyrhombus said...

my relatives across the ocean make those snowmen. really. as in my mom sends those things across the ocean to the american people. we intentionally leave the heads in precarious conditions. just for poops and giggles.

At 2:29 PM, Blogger tabitha jane said...

next time i am at a store where they sell those rocks, i'm gonna ask if they are out of the ones that say "poop."

At 11:36 PM, Blogger Edna B said...

I just hope that the cats that feed out of those cat bowls dont get mad cat disease.

At 10:17 PM, Blogger Syar said...

"They're never going to get my delicious fingers. Never."

"Of course everyone in the tiny village would be provided with tiny rods. "Spare the tiny rod, spoil the tiny child." My tiny village will not be a tiny village of tiny children shenanigans."

this was so great. I hate it when other people think they need to spread the joy of tiny houses and tiny villages and start giving the things to you on birthdays and holiday "to start you off". to start me off on what? a crack addiction supported by my rare collection of tiny porcelain villages?

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