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Thursday, July 07, 2005

Two Of Five Random Thoughts

#2 The Male Genitalia

One day while I was driving, I pulled up to a red light. Alongside my car was a man in a suped-up Fast and the Furious-inspired shitbox. As we sat and waited for the light to go green, he began to slowly crawl as if anticipating the light change.

I could tell he wanted to get ahead of me.

I gripped the wheel a bit tighter than usual. Something inside me wanted to beat this asshole. The light turned green, and I got the quick jump ahead. I felt a rush of masculinity wash over me. But, alas, my victory was short-lived. And, in a matter of a few seconds, he accelerated and quickly overtook me. And do you know why he beat me?

Because his penis is bigger than my penis.*

* His penis is not bigger than my penis! That would be truly absurd! Hahahehehehhe... *cough*


At 11:47 PM, Blogger PureViLmay said...


what does all this gotta do with your penis?!?! LoL

At 1:02 AM, Blogger 52X Max said...

Mmm, it's hard for people to get this kind of things, they're very "complex", hahaha

At 4:12 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Now I get that feeling myself sometimes, that I want, no NEED, to pull ahead of some jerk that is next to me. Even if that "jerk" is a 75 year old granny. But she's revving her engine, she's itching for a race, don't fall for the granny trick.

Actually I don't think it's about either one of us having a bigger penis. At least I hope not for her sake, cause I know it's not for mine!

At 4:34 AM, Blogger snub22 said...

You'll get that a lot in Australia. It's called doing "lappies" where dickheads in utes race each other down country streets with bumper stickers that say: "shoot ferals and fat chicks."

Now that's class.

PS. Men with the biggest penises drive the shittiest cars.

At 8:05 AM, Blogger Katie said...

Do you drive a ridiculously huge SUV five miles down a nicely paved suburban street to get to a friends house? Cause if you don't, then you need not worry about your penis.

At 9:04 AM, Blogger Seventeen Syllables said...

This reminds me of the time I was talking to two male friends about some insult that had happened to one of them. The one said, man it felt like my d*** was yanked off. And the other said something like, Oh, I can't imagine life without a d***.

I thought it was funny, not because castration is funny (normally), but because some of us have lived our whole lives without one (of our own, I mean) and been, you know, okay with that.

At 9:29 AM, Blogger Nadia said...

17 - That's the funniest thing ever.

At 11:35 AM, Blogger gawker said...

Confucius say "He who have smaller penis have humongous balls."

At 2:45 PM, Blogger jazz said...

it's moments like that where yyou have to be the bigger man.

figuratively speaking, of course.

At 7:30 PM, Blogger spinsterwitch said...

Hey! Isn't there that song about the guy with the detachable penis that he keeps losing at parties?

At 9:36 AM, Blogger anycollegestudent said...

His penis is bigger than yours. Guys with big penises can impress the car salesmen into giving them Fast and Furious style cars.

At 3:17 PM, Blogger Carrie said...

Well at least you have one. I've personally always wondered what it was like to have a penis. Alas, I shall never know the true glory of having a third appendage.

Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?
It's swell to have a stiffy.
It's divine to own a dick,
From the tiniest little tadger
To the world's biggest prick.
So, three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas.
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake,
Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend,
Your Percy, or your cock.
You can wrap it up in ribbons.
You can slip it in your sock,
But don't take it out in public,
Or they will stick you in the dock,
And you won't come back.

At 3:17 PM, Blogger Carrie said...

Umm make that FIFTH appendage.

At 3:22 PM, Blogger ... jacek ... said...

actually, if he did have a big penis, he probably wouldnt be trying to show how cool he is in his little rice rocket. but then again thats just me.

At 9:19 PM, Blogger D-Train said...

Take it from somebody with an incredulously small penis--we love to show how awesome and macho we are. I'm awesome and macho. And I drive a Hummer. It's not like I'm compensating for something or anything like that, because I don't have a small penis. Definitely.

At 10:18 PM, Blogger scribe called steff said...

Well... what do you think injects the fuel?

Duh, Andy. ;)

Oooh. Not that again!

At 7:06 PM, Blogger Syar said...

17 and cheesy carrie : hilarious.

i might do this when i get my drivers license soon, but i figure it'll be in competition with another girl driving her smug compact car, where even her many garfields and pink panthers dangling from the windows are sneering at me. bring it on sistah!

At 11:59 AM, Blogger MEP said...

You are crazy, and so is this post. But it was funny, so you are forgiven.

At 6:45 PM, Blogger Mike Todd said...

Great post, man. And in reference to the comment about ten up from here, the detachable penis song was by King Missile. Why the hell do I know that?

At 7:05 PM, Blogger buqt said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 7:07 PM, Blogger buqt said...

Where I am from - TX - if you over compensate for something, you drive the biggest, tallest, loudest truck with the biggest tires known to man - and put a sticker on it that references some "cowboy" saying.

Also, as an aside, I saw Kenosha listed on a website in the top 100 places to live:

At 9:21 PM, Anonymous Hulion said...

i'm not entirely sure it has anything to do with penis size, but more to do with I.Q.

I find the more into their souped up 1980s cheap-end-of-the-market-family-car a man is, the less they have going for them.

Probably just drawing attention away from how crap they are, or in the least trying to attract skank-whores to services their penis' - ragardless of size.

At 9:56 PM, Blogger Gloria Glo said...

yep. It's true. All about the appendages. I get all confused though when I roar past someone. I wonder if I'm a girl or a boy and what that means and which support group to attend and if my parents will still love me....

I've had to give up drag racing just because of the confusing connotations.

At 3:39 PM, Blogger Kirsten J said...

My mom taught me from a young age, that the more jacked-up and lifted a man's truck is, the littler his weiner is.

I don't want to know what makes her so sure, and I really can't say I can prove it myself, but I believe it. The after-market height of a man's truck has an inverse relationship with his penis size. Same with the F&F racecar things. You're such a man, Andy. Such a man.

At 2:01 PM, Blogger utenzi said...

That's funny but true. Sitting next to one another at a stop light brings out those urges. Reminds me of that Rolling Stones song that goes something like: he can't be a man 'cause he doesn't smoke the same cigarette I do. I blame Madison Ave but I'm sure we've had these feelings long before people could make money off of them.

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