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Tuesday, June 28, 2005

We're "Negotiating With Terrorists," Not Negotiating With Terrorists

It was recently learned that the US government has been in talks with the Iraqi insurgency, hoping to somehow curb the violence that has inundated the news since the end of major combat was declared more than a year ago.

Rumsfeld vehemently denied that the talks amounted to negotiating with "terrorists" such as the most-wanted man in Iraq, Jordanian militant Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, Al-Qaeda's leader in Iraq.

Rumsfeld said, "You know, it's a fine line, but let the record show... the line is in fact there. I mean, the liberal media wants you to believe that we're negotiating with terrorists. But we're not 'negotiating with terrorists.' Not when I'm using these handy air quotes."

"It's one of the flaws of the liberal media," added Rumsfeld. "They don't understand the meaning behind quotes, so they take us at our word. Look at what happened on that aircraft carrier."

I became puzzled at this statement. What was Rummy talking about? Was he talking about the MISSION ACCOMPLISHED sign? That was a huge blunder by the Bush administration, preemptively declaring the end of the preemptive war in Iraq.

Or was it?

I studied the tapes and the photos. Sure enough. Rummy was right. Stupid liberal media. First look this famous shot. We've all seen it again and again. The banner says MISSION ACCOMPLISHED, which at first, in retrospect, seems like a very inappropriate thing to declare.

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Now, look at this computer-enhanced shot. This is the banner close up. Closer than any one of us little guys could have gotten with the liberal media filter on our TV's.

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See? MISSION "ACCOMPLISHED." It's ironic. It's not implying that major combat operations in Iraq have ended. Now that the quotes are there, it would be rather silly to assume that.

So, the Secretary of Defense is correct, guys. We're not "negotiating with terrorists." Not when his hands are up in the air gesturing quotes. We would never negotiate with terrorists. But we will "negotiate with terrorists." We'll "meet" with the "enemy" and "discuss" ways in which "we" might "end" this "war."

And that's the difference between those people who love America and those who hate America. Lovers of America use quotes and cherish freedom. Haters of America take officials at their word and take big shits on freedom. They leave no room for officials to be ironic, or sarcastic. What if policy calls for us to display an ironic banner, but we can't because the liberal media is so flawed? Then what?

That's right. People like Hitler win. Is that what you want? You want Hitler to win?

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You want this?

You make me sick.

When I wrote this on Monday night (6/27/05), the phenomenal television program known as The Daily Show had already concluded for that evening. I, unfortunately, did not see the June 27, 2005 episode. I've edited this post and added this disclaimer because, having seen the June 27, 2005 episode in rerun tonight, I noticed a slight similarity in material. Now, obviously, them copying me is out of the question -- they would just have to crap on some loose leaf and they've outdone me. So, I need to make it clear that I did not use The Daily Show to come up with this post. It takes balls for me to assume that I'm even worth the disclaimer, but it's important to me.


At 2:30 AM, Blogger 52X Max said...

We won't let Hitler Win, the "Bush" "Administration" would never allow something like that, they'll give "us" the "freedom" that we and the iraqi people need.
Or at least some "freedom fries", anyway, I'm gonna go burn some flags.

At 4:16 AM, Blogger Adrian said...

Pffft. Damn "liberals".

At 6:38 AM, Blogger Ripsy said...

Hitler would've hunted down the insurgents and they all would have had teas and scones. After about 20 minutes, Hitler would excuse himself and then fill the room with poison. Thus, terrorists are dead and he had a lovely snack.

At 6:49 AM, Blogger MEP said...

I can't wait to explore the use of "quotations" in tonight's "speech" by "President" Bush. He won't let Hitler win.

At 9:18 AM, Blogger Lia said...

that's right - back to the tricky quotation marks, are we?
if you can't "say" what you "feel", what will happen to free speech?

At 10:38 AM, Blogger D-Train said...

Yay. "Semantics" are "fun." Donald Rumsfeld has lots of "fun," or so it would seem. All Rummy denied is that the US Government wan't negotiating with the "terrorists". Abu Musab al-Zarqwi isn't a "terrorist." He's a "militant." God, you people need to grow some sense. Idiots.

At 11:17 AM, Anonymous Michael said...

You didnt take down small town super hero did you??

At 12:49 PM, Blogger Katie said...

Is this the same thing that happened with Egypt? Or did femme-bot Laura Bush really screw up when she congratulated the Egyptians on their democratic ways? Or was she too using air quotes? Does Bush use air quotes whenever he refers to gay marriage as against "the American Way?" Whoa... those things are dangerous, perforating right over into my comment.

At 3:37 PM, Blogger Valeya said...

You are my hero.

At 4:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

*scratching head* I thought it was "mission" accomplished. But maybe that was at Halliburton's annual picnic or something....

At 6:06 PM, Blogger Al Sayf said...

It's "Mission" "Accomplished" actually. Confusing, isn't it?

At 9:05 PM, Blogger jazz said...

"take big shits on freedom."

fucking hilarious.

andy, you're fabulous. you know that, right?

At 10:15 AM, Blogger Tawcan said...

Mission "Accomplished"?

What exactly was the mission? To find WMD? To get rid of Saddem? To take all the oil from Iraq? To install a demoncratic government in Iraq?

What was the mission? Nobody really knew in the first place and I don't think anyone really knows right now...

At 2:49 PM, Blogger veronica said...

you ARE fabulous.

At 8:48 PM, Blogger Hulabelly said...

cheese is so yummy. we all need more cheese.

At 2:41 PM, Blogger tabitha jane said...

you certainly have a "way" with "words."

At 7:05 PM, Blogger Carrie said...

Here, here! And I agree, more "cheese"!

At 7:26 PM, Blogger Gloria Glo said...

Regardless of who copied who, both versions were hilarious (but I kinda preferred yours - wink, wink).

At 12:57 PM, Blogger Gloria Glo said...

I believe that G.Dubya used airquotes quite a bit in his conference this morning over Sandra Day. When he "thanked" her for service and tried to suppress a smile as he "regretted" her decision to step down.

Haven't seen a kid so happy since I took my nephew to Toys R Us last weekend...

At 11:38 AM, Blogger vente said...

Nice blog. Have you seen your google rating? BlogFlux It's Free and you can add a Little Script to your site that will tell everyone your ranking. I think yours was a 3. I guess you'll have to check it out.

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Trying not to include any phallic analogies, Yahoo this week announced that its overall search engine index is much larger than Google’s and is the most in depth index of ‘web objects’ on the search market. On the Yahoo Search Blog, Yahoo disclosed that its index now includes 19.2 billion web documents, 1.6 billion images and more than 50 million audio and video files - over 20 billion items.

Yahoo is usually shy about disclosing the size of its search index, but the Yahoo Search Blog is celebrating its first year anniversary and Tim Mayer thought that somewhat of a retrospect was in order - since Yahoo has grown into its own as a search engine powerhouse over the past 365 days.

From the YSearchBlog : While we typically don’t disclose size (since we’ve always said that size is only one dimension of the quality of a search engine), for those who are curious this update includes just over 19.2 billion web documents, 1.6 billion images, and over 50 million audio and video files.

Note that as with all index updates we are still tuning things so you’ll continue to see some fluctuation in ranking over the next few weeks.

Greg Sterling of the Kelsey Group, however, makes the distinction of quality over quantity What I, Joseph User, care about is accuracy, quality and relevance. The available index does matter in terms of bringing me a sufficient quantity of results. (And if I’m looking for something really obscure, having that thing in the index is obviously important, which may go to size.).

But there’s a major case of diminishing returns—there’s already way too much information online for people to assimilate. Throwing more volume at me does nothing but make my eyes glaze over. What I want is enough relevant results.”

Index schmindex, the moral of the story is what Yahoo has accomplished over the past year and what the next 12 months will bring with not only Yahoo Search, but the Yahoo Publishers Network, Yahoo LinkSpots, Yahoo Pay Per Call, and Site Explorer. What has Yahoo accomplished over the past year? Well, here’s Tim’s rundown :
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