What Does Happen When You Burn An American Flag?
The House Of Representatives recently passed a measure to amend the U.S. constitution to include a ban on flag burning and desecration. But why? Why would anyone care if a flag is burned? Flag burning doesn't harm anyone.
Or does it?
Believing that there may be more here than meets the eye, I began meticulously researching the science of flag burning. I interviewed experts, observed professional flag burners in their natural habitat, and even tamed a number of wild flags.
But what I discovered was truly incredible. There is a reason that people in the Republican-controlled House of Representatives have tried so hard to pass the amendment banning flag burning. It's very technical, so I'll try not to complicate things with heavy, scientific wording.
What Happens When You Burn An American Flag
Burning a flag seems innocent enough, right? I mean, after all, it's just a material thing used to represent ideals, right? You're not really setting fire to freedom, patriotism, freedom, liberty, or freedom, right? WRONG.
When you burn an American flag, freedom particles and liberty molecules are released into the atmosphere. "But, Andy, don't we want more freedom and liberty in the air?" You'd think that, wouldn't you? Releasing freedom and liberty sounds great in a symbolic kind of way, but the truth of the matter is sobering. We only have so much freedom and liberty to go around. That's right. Like fresh water or fossil fuels, only so much liberty and freedom exists on Earth. If you're burning an American flag, you're wasting a precious, limited resource.
And that's only part of the story. Freedom particles and liberty molecules, once released into the atmosphere, will interact with other types of particles, ones which will cause the creation of unstable, mutated and dangerous compounds. After speaking with a number of scientists, I compiled a list of the most dangerous particles, which when combined with freedom, spell disaster for our country.
Heathen particles - Released during everyday sinning
Sodomite particles - Released during sodomy
Abortion particles - Released during abortions
Gay particles - Released by gay people
Welfare particles - Released by welfare recipients
Tree-hugger particles - Released by hugging trees*
Two seen here...
If these mutated particles were to stay high up in the atmosphere, then it would be no big deal. The problem is these particles are so heavy with ickiness that they'll eventually make their way back to ground level, poisoning everyone in their path.
So, not only do we have less freedom as a result of burning the American flag, we have more unnatural forms of freedom, nicknamed "freekdom" by scientists, which slowly poison our society.
On a brighter note, freedom particles which fall back to Earth unmutated have a positive effect in the war on terrorism. Terrorists exposed to freedom particles and liberty molecules are almost instantly consumed by the fires of their own burning hatred of freedom.
It's important to get all the facts before jumping on a bandwagon with the rest of the torch-wielding villagers. Get educated, friend. Burning American flags doesn't just hurt the flag, it will eventually hurt you and everyone you care about. A fine job, United States representatives. A fine, fine job.
Don't burn flags.
* The act of hugging trees. Not trees that hug you.