Whoops! Sorry, Dude! My Urine. My Bad.
This week there were some new reports about prisoner abuse at Guantanamo Bay. No, no, newer than that one. That one, too.
In May, Newsweek printed a story alleging that guards at the Cuban prison had, among other things, flushed a copy of the Quran down the toilet. Later, they retracted the story when their government source backed away from his original statements.
White House press secretary Scott McClellan said the retraction was "a good first step" and that the magazine now has a responsibility to spread the word to the Muslim world that U.S. interrogators "treat the Quran with great care and respect."
Yeah, Newsweek. Stupid. Start spreading the word, idiots. No one flushed any holy book down a toilet. How about some legitimate journalism for a change, Newsweek? Like what was uncovered about a day ago.
The Pentagon confirmed Friday evening that a U.S. soldier had deliberately kicked a prisoner's holy book. The report also said prison guards had thrown water balloons in a cell block, causing an unspecified number of Qurans to get wet...
Here's where Newsweek really takes it in the ass. See how completely off they were?
...a guard's urine had splashed on a detainee and his Quran.
Newsweek! What is up with you, dude? The Qurans didn't get thrown into the urine-filled toilet. The urine was brought to the Qurans. It's called "fact-checking." You may want to look into it.
After hearing about this story, I wondered how a guard's urine could "accidentally" splash onto a detainee and his Quran. On a hunch, I had my contact at Guantanamo Bay send me the blueprints for the prison. What I found was surprising, but it explained everything.
What we have is a simple design flaw...
See how there are six to eight toilets to a cell? It's hard to say what the building architects were going for when they originally drew up these plans, but I think it's possible that they never intended for their prison to house Qurans, or "urine magnets" as they're known in academic circles. Given this new piece of evidence, it's hard to imagine a Guantanamo Bay detainee or Quran not soaked in urine. Am I right?
Presidential spokesman and skin wearer Scott McClellan says, "It is unfortunate that some have chosen to take out of context a few isolated incidents by a few individuals."
I couldn't agree more. This whole thing has been taken completely out of context. A few detainees were splashed with urine — big deal. In the context of these blueprints, it's not even worth reporting. It's like reporting on a guy who spent his whole life inhaling honey and then one day drowned himself in honey. Trust me, it's a solid analogy. You had to have seen it coming, and reporting it as if it were a shocking event is in fact taking the story out of its honey-drowned/urine-soaked context.
These detainees aren't going to escape urine, friend. So, why don't we spend our time worrying about more important matters? Like the fact that Democrats are not likely going to stop singing sensation and talent juggernaut Michael Bolton from being confirmed as U.N. Ambassador.
What a scoop!