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Monday, June 06, 2005

Whoops! Sorry, Dude! My Urine. My Bad.

This week there were some new reports about prisoner abuse at Guantanamo Bay. No, no, newer than that one. That one, too.

In May, Newsweek printed a story alleging that guards at the Cuban prison had, among other things, flushed a copy of the Quran down the toilet. Later, they retracted the story when their government source backed away from his original statements.

White House press secretary Scott McClellan said the retraction was "a good first step" and that the magazine now has a responsibility to spread the word to the Muslim world that U.S. interrogators "treat the Quran with great care and respect."

Yeah, Newsweek. Stupid. Start spreading the word, idiots. No one flushed any holy book down a toilet. How about some legitimate journalism for a change, Newsweek? Like what was uncovered about a day ago.

The Pentagon confirmed Friday evening that a U.S. soldier had deliberately kicked a prisoner's holy book. The report also said prison guards had thrown water balloons in a cell block, causing an unspecified number of Qurans to get wet...

Here's where Newsweek really takes it in the ass. See how completely off they were?

...a guard's urine had splashed on a detainee and his Quran.

Newsweek! What is up with you, dude? The Qurans didn't get thrown into the urine-filled toilet. The urine was brought to the Qurans. It's called "fact-checking." You may want to look into it.


After hearing about this story, I wondered how a guard's urine could "accidentally" splash onto a detainee and his Quran. On a hunch, I had my contact at Guantanamo Bay send me the blueprints for the prison. What I found was surprising, but it explained everything.

What we have is a simple design flaw...

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See how there are six to eight toilets to a cell? It's hard to say what the building architects were going for when they originally drew up these plans, but I think it's possible that they never intended for their prison to house Qurans, or "urine magnets" as they're known in academic circles. Given this new piece of evidence, it's hard to imagine a Guantanamo Bay detainee or Quran not soaked in urine. Am I right?

Presidential spokesman and skin wearer Scott McClellan says, "It is unfortunate that some have chosen to take out of context a few isolated incidents by a few individuals."

I couldn't agree more. This whole thing has been taken completely out of context. A few detainees were splashed with urine — big deal. In the context of these blueprints, it's not even worth reporting. It's like reporting on a guy who spent his whole life inhaling honey and then one day drowned himself in honey. Trust me, it's a solid analogy. You had to have seen it coming, and reporting it as if it were a shocking event is in fact taking the story out of its honey-drowned/urine-soaked context.

These detainees aren't going to escape urine, friend. So, why don't we spend our time worrying about more important matters? Like the fact that Democrats are not likely going to stop singing sensation and talent juggernaut Michael Bolton from being confirmed as U.N. Ambassador.

What a scoop!

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26 Comments:

At 12:47 AM, Blogger Neil said...

So let me get this straight - you're saying there're still prisoners being held at Guantanamo Bay? Fact checking would indeed seem appropriate because surely we observed international law, brought charges against prisoners of "war" with due process and cleared up this whole Afghan situation several years ago?

 
At 1:41 AM, Blogger Flash said...

Here in the UK, our very own Geri "ginger spice" Haliwell became a UN ambassador.
The UN clearly only accept the absolute cream of the crop, eh?

 
At 4:41 AM, Blogger GrrlScientist said...

Wow, 6-8 toilets per cell? How many people per cell? Where do they eat? Given the number of toilets to tables ratio, I now understand why none of these prisoners have lawyers to represent them; they cannot write letters on a toilet!

GrrlScientist

 
At 2:18 PM, Blogger Gloria Glo said...

Look, I helped design Guantanamo Bay on the fact that it's a VERY SCARY PLACE. When I am scared, I need rapid access to a restroom, so, I thought, the only HUMANE approach to locking people away without trial or oversight is to provide MANY toilets for those "Scared you-know-what" moments. It seemed like a good plan until people started insisting that nothing get splashed with urine.

You know, in today's out-of-context world, everything seems bad.

On the serious side, this entire situation makes me disappointed in humanity. How hard is it to show a little respect? You don't need to pick the prisoners daisies or anything, just stop behaving like the stereotypical high school football team.

 
At 4:22 PM, Blogger LoriLoo310 said...

Michael Bolton ... I celebrate his entire catalog!

 
At 4:50 PM, Blogger Carrie said...

Very cute entry and it made me LMAO. But honestly in the grand scheme of things I look at it like this... who cares if we piss on a few Qaran's? I wouldn't care if we pissed on a few bibles either but that's just me.

 
At 6:18 PM, Blogger jazz said...

dude, you've got some major hook ups with those blueprints...

i bet the FBI or CIA is watching you now.

wait! i see them already! they're over there!

 
At 7:29 PM, Blogger 52X Max said...

Michael Bolton ... I celebrate his entire catalog!

That movie just rocks!!!

 
At 8:36 PM, Blogger lovelygreensweater said...

I feel that michael Bolton would be very upset with the apparent lay-out flaws in Guantanamo Bay. Though I do see the need for close urinals in such a scary place.

 
At 11:49 PM, Blogger Jon said...

This wouldn’t have been a problem at all if I had gotten the contract to build the prison, but G-Lo came in and undercut me at the last second with her nonsensical 6-8 toilets per cell layout. Honestly, I’m not sure what they loved about it so much… it’s not very symmetrical and it lacks panache. If I had my way, it would probably be considered the 14th or 15th wonder of the world. I won’t bore you with the details of my layout, but lets just say that Sly Stallone thought highly enough of it to redo his bedrooms accordingly, and you don’t hear him complaining about getting splashed with a little bit of urine, do you? I hope you don’t, because that would totally ruin my argument.

 
At 1:50 AM, Blogger A said...

It's good to see a rational point of view (talking about the underlying msg) towards the issue from...I don't mean to sound judgemental...an American.

 
At 5:29 AM, Blogger GrrlScientist said...

Ah, but Carrie .. there is no doubt in my mind that the winguts would physically damage you in some way if you dared to pee on their bibles.

GrrlScientist

 
At 6:16 AM, Blogger Adrian said...

You see urine, I see limitless supply of jellyfish sting neutraliser...

 
At 8:14 AM, Blogger scribe called steff said...

adrian-- heh.

andy, great post.

 
At 1:53 PM, Blogger Bobo said...

Just for the record for those "what's the big deal, anyways?" crowd, desecrating the Koran in Muslim law is punishable by death.

 
At 3:03 PM, Blogger Gloria Glo said...

Is there a "what's the big deal, anyways" crowd? Don't further disillusion me by telling me Americans AT LARGE are okay with desecrating anything sacred to anyone.

Of course, as someone once spit upon outside her own religion's sacred places, I suppose I should already be disappointed in humanity.

And Jon - Sly Stallone called and said he totally regrets going with your silly design.

 
At 4:05 PM, Anonymous Granny Apple said...

My dad's part of that crowd. The way he sees it, as a significant number of other people see it, is that these people are already being treated better than they deserve, so what's the big deal if some of their holy books are pissed on?

Honestly, if it weren't for the whole "holding without charging" thing, I might agree.

Funny post, though. "Qurans, or "urine magnets" as they're known in academic circles." Hee.

 
At 5:25 PM, Blogger 52X Max said...

The Quorans are sacred for muslims, ok? so don't make bad jokes about 'em, treat them with respect, and by that I only mean those of you who say it doesn't matter if the marines do taht, obviously not Andy, if it wasn't for him and his great posts we wouldn't be having this conversations anyway.

or, how would you feel if you were a "criminal" and the people who hold you in prison raped your mother in front of you? bad, i'd guess

but that's not all, i can't say they are criminals, the military have no proof they're guilty of the charges that... wait a minute, the government hasn't even pressed charges against them??

good thing we live in a civilized world

 
At 7:35 PM, Blogger Carrie said...

You're comparing pissing on a book to raping someone's mother? I think that's a stretch! I'm a liberal in every sense of the word but this just isn't big news to me at all. I don't care about this, just as I wouldn't care if some Muslims were pissing on the Christian bible. I guess not being a religious person I can't comprehend what the big deal is.

Anyway sorry I just had to comment on that. I loved the blog entry and the underlying message of course. That doesn't mean I give much a shit about any of it though. Honestly most of these men have probably done some pretty heinous things anyway.

 
At 8:18 AM, Anonymous Granny Apple said...

The Quran's different than the Bible, though-Muslims believe that every Arabic Quran is literally a part of God. So when you desecrate the book, to them you're desecrating God. Most Christians don't feel the same way about the Bible.

 
At 8:27 AM, Blogger 52X Max said...

that's exactly what i was trying to point out, sorry but i had to be a bit radical.
what I mean is that many of them are being held in prison just because someone thought there is a slight chance that maybe some of them might have been suspicious of conspiracy to perhaps commit some sort of crime of an unspecified type... confused? me too.
How can you keep anyone in prison so much time just cause they're muslims, and to top it off, they torture them in many ways, pissing in their quorans is a form of psychological torture, the privates who did that may not know it, but officials that allow that kind of behavior certainly do that it's because of their religion they arrested them in the first place.

Again, sorry for messing up this funny entry by Andy with endless and pointless polithical discussions

 
At 9:10 PM, Blogger veronica said...

That was hilarious.

Thank you.

 
At 8:05 PM, Blogger omar said...

Excellent caption on the Michael Bolton photo.

 
At 1:06 AM, Anonymous generic cialis 20mg said...

Hello, I do not agree with the previous commentator - not so simple

 
At 4:56 PM, Blogger Steve Emanuel said...

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At 10:10 AM, Anonymous xlpharmacy said...

I think that they are overreacting about something like that. they should respect everybody culture if this doesn't affect them to live in society.

 

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