Campaign Ads

We're not really in the midst of a campaign season, but it seems to begin sooner and sooner every election. Since becoming interested in politics, I've been incredibly fascinated by campaign ads. They've become so underhanded and snippity. Almost bitchy.

I tried to write what I thought was a funny series of campaign ads between two fictional candidates. But I found it legitimately difficult to do, seeing as how the real life ads have become so ridiculous. "So-and-so voted against keeping criminals in jail," or "What's-his-face likes it when people die," or "He voted 20 times to increase taxes... and then he ate a baby." They really do sometimes border on absurdity.

Still, I think I captured the tone of the more modern campaigns, which have been -- in a word -- nasty. But not all candidates start off dirty. Usually it starts with one. And when the mudslinging begins to have an effect, the other candidate resorts to the same nasty tactics.


My fictional series of ads features two candidates. The first, Bob Hirtle, is meant to be the protagonist, an underdog, fighting against incumbency. He's the good guy, in most instances defending. The second, Jake Goodfellow, is meant to be the antagonist, the powerhouse, fighting to keep his political career going. He's the bad guy, in most instances attacking.

You should almost be able to hear the soothing, female voice of the narrator in your head. That's how I imagine it. Though, maybe for you it's a soothing, male voice. Either way, it's damn soothing.

Enjoy.

Commercial #1
(Goodfellow attacking Hirtle)

NARRATOR:
A person's name says a lot about who they are. Jake Goodfellow, for instance, is a good fellow. Just look at his name. It says what he is.

As for Bob Hirtle — his name comes close to spelling "Hitler" — a little too close.

Jake Goodfellow. The name says it all.

Commercial #2
(Hirtle responding to Goodfellow)

NARRATOR:
Presidential incumbent Jake Goodfellow wants you to believe that Hirtle spells Hitler. Clearly, it doesn't. The T, L, R, and E aren't even in the right place. We need Presidents who can spell important words. Jake Goodfellow has proven that he's not up to the job. Let's "Hirtle" over Jake Goodfellow.

Vote Bob Hirtle for President.

Commercial #3
(Goodfellow responding to Hirtle)

NARRATOR:
In his latest attack ad, Bob Hirtle/Hitler claims that Jake Goodfellow can't spell. Yet, in very same ad, he misspells "hurdle." It's spelled H-U-R-D-L-E. Jake Goodfellow knows this, because Jake Goodfellow can spell.

Bob Hirtle/Hitler. His own name is spelled wrong.

Commercial #4
(Hirtle responding to Goodfellow)

NARRATOR:
Goodfellow is at it again.

In his latest attack on Bob Hirtle, Goodfellow proves not only that he is fond of misspelling, but he doesn't even know what metaphorical language is. Bob Hirtle knows what metaphorical language is. He used it when he substituted "Hirtle" for "hurdle." It's a play on words. Then again, a President should know this.

Heh... Jake Goodfellow. He's just too silly to remain President.

Commercial #5
(Goodfellow responding to Hirtle)

NARRATOR:
Hehe... Bob Hirtle likes to use big, smart-sounding phrases like "metaphorical language". Aren't these phrases you learn in countries like France? Sorry, Bob Hirtle, but Jake Goodfellow has never been to France, nor does he plan on going.

Jake Goodfellow. He's not in love with France.