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Friday, June 10, 2005

Campaign Ads

We're not really in the midst of a campaign season, but it seems to begin sooner and sooner every election. Since becoming interested in politics, I've been incredibly fascinated by campaign ads. They've become so underhanded and snippity. Almost bitchy.

I tried to write what I thought was a funny series of campaign ads between two fictional candidates. But I found it legitimately difficult to do, seeing as how the real life ads have become so ridiculous. "So-and-so voted against keeping criminals in jail," or "What's-his-face likes it when people die," or "He voted 20 times to increase taxes... and then he ate a baby." They really do sometimes border on absurdity.

Still, I think I captured the tone of the more modern campaigns, which have been -- in a word -- nasty. But not all candidates start off dirty. Usually it starts with one. And when the mudslinging begins to have an effect, the other candidate resorts to the same nasty tactics.

My fictional series of ads features two candidates. The first, Bob Hirtle, is meant to be the protagonist, an underdog, fighting against incumbency. He's the good guy, in most instances defending. The second, Jake Goodfellow, is meant to be the antagonist, the powerhouse, fighting to keep his political career going. He's the bad guy, in most instances attacking.

You should almost be able to hear the soothing, female voice of the narrator in your head. That's how I imagine it. Though, maybe for you it's a soothing, male voice. Either way, it's damn soothing.


Commercial #1
(Goodfellow attacking Hirtle)
A person's name says a lot about who they are. Jake Goodfellow, for instance, is a good fellow. Just look at his name. It says what he is.

As for Bob Hirtle — his name comes close to spelling "Hitler" — a little too close.

Jake Goodfellow. The name says it all.

Commercial #2
(Hirtle responding to Goodfellow)
Presidential incumbent Jake Goodfellow wants you to believe that Hirtle spells Hitler. Clearly, it doesn't. The T, L, R, and E aren't even in the right place. We need Presidents who can spell important words. Jake Goodfellow has proven that he's not up to the job. Let's "Hirtle" over Jake Goodfellow.

Vote Bob Hirtle for President.

Commercial #3
(Goodfellow responding to Hirtle)
In his latest attack ad, Bob Hirtle/Hitler claims that Jake Goodfellow can't spell. Yet, in very same ad, he misspells "hurdle." It's spelled H-U-R-D-L-E. Jake Goodfellow knows this, because Jake Goodfellow can spell.

Bob Hirtle/Hitler. His own name is spelled wrong.

Commercial #4
(Hirtle responding to Goodfellow)
Goodfellow is at it again.

In his latest attack on Bob Hirtle, Goodfellow proves not only that he is fond of misspelling, but he doesn't even know what metaphorical language is. Bob Hirtle knows what metaphorical language is. He used it when he substituted "Hirtle" for "hurdle." It's a play on words. Then again, a President should know this.

Heh... Jake Goodfellow. He's just too silly to remain President.

Commercial #5
(Goodfellow responding to Hirtle)
Hehe... Bob Hirtle likes to use big, smart-sounding phrases like "metaphorical language". Aren't these phrases you learn in countries like France? Sorry, Bob Hirtle, but Jake Goodfellow has never been to France, nor does he plan on going.

Jake Goodfellow. He's not in love with France.


At 7:43 AM, Blogger lucasjackson7 said...

Haha. This is great. I am putting bids on right now with flowing banner ads screaming, "AT LEAST WE CAN SPELL."

At 8:11 AM, Blogger Don Urban Gnome said...

I thought for sure I was going to see something about the incumbent's relationship to the movie Goodfellas.

Good stuff again Andy.

At 8:28 AM, Blogger LoriLoo310 said...

I would love to see campaign ads like this ... atleast they're being honest in their responses instead of dancing around the issue. Andy for President!

At 10:07 AM, Blogger Katie said...

Wait, Hirtle supports the French? I can not support someone who supports the French! Freedom fries, man! Freedom fries! This is a very real conundrum for me, I do believe in spelling, and I also believe in the use of figurative language, but the French!

Great job, love it.

At 10:11 AM, Blogger glamourous cod said...

We do not use metaphorical language in France. We were actually told that our president was a crook, we knew it and we reelected him. Jacques Chirac is so not a superhero.

At 11:06 AM, Blogger Ripsy said...

France is hell on earth. For real real. Not for play play.

At 11:19 AM, Blogger Statsgirl said...

I appreciated your post, man. It was a spark of humor that helped me get through the work day. This stuff belongs on the Daily Show.

At 2:07 PM, Blogger Gloria Glo said...

As always, roaringly hilarious.

Did you write copy for the LA Mayor's campaign? Because I'm pretty sure that spelling was a big piece of the mudslinging. It came somewhere after baby killers and just before 'looks weird in colored trousers'...

At 7:57 PM, Blogger Carrie said...

Well if Hirtle likes the French and Hitler, he must also be a pro-life, gay marriage supporting satanist. We can't have folks pansying up our nation with thier sissy-boy, baby killing ways now can we? We may as well up and tattoo 666 on our foreheads.

Vote for Goodfellow.

At 10:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you forgot to say that hirtle might be a commie fag

At 11:36 PM, Blogger Former Intern Andy said...

Haha, people really get worked up on this comedy thing. Especially the anonymous crowd.

At 11:19 AM, Blogger Ripsy said...

Well, I do think that there are some incriminating photos of Hirtle and Goodfellow locked in a communist gay embrace.

At 10:08 PM, Anonymous Nate said...

What happened to the Neo Nazi stuff . . .lol, it was pretty funny

At 8:57 PM, Blogger Katie said...

I must point out that 666 was not translated properly. So 666 does not actually mean what people think it means. I'm just saying. I think, a los, that someday the monastic monks will be going through all the original documents they have (before translation) and one will properly translate the bit about celibacy into "celebrate." The end result, will, of course, be a mass suicide, or orgy.

Again, I'm just saying.

At 3:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just so you know... my name IS Bob Hirtle ... really. Neither commie or fag ... I actually just go by Robert ... my mother said if she wanted people to call me Bob she would have named me that in the first place. And I'm NOT running for president .. I'm Canadian.. I can't. What a silly country you have down there.


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