Three Of Five Random Thoughts

#3 Automatic Doors

This anecdote doesn't paint the most flattering picture of me. In fact, you might even say it makes me look like a complete ass. In fact, you don't even have to say it. Because, in fact, I just did. In fact.*


I was shopping at a Target store a while back with my sister. We left the store through separate doors. As I exited, I thought I was going through an automatic door. I stood there in front of the door for a good five seconds, staring at the door, thinking that it was probably one of those automatic doors with a delay.

You know what I'm talking about? You go to a door, an automatic door, and when it doesn't open right away you think it's just a regular door, so you extend your hand to push it open and suddenly it flies open automatically. It's delayed just enough so that everyone in the store has had ample time to see you extend your hand. And when it opens automatically you are officially an ass in the eyes of all.

Anyway, this door turned out to be just a regular door. I sat there waiting for it to open by itself. When it didn't, and I finally understood, I awkwardly pretended that I was standing there, intentionally not opening it, for some legitimate reason.

I don't think I had ever seen my sister laugh so hard in my entire life. I killed my sister later that day. No, I didn't. But that would have been pretty funny. No, no... I guess it wouldn't be that funny. Well, not "Ha Ha" funny, anyway.


THE SAME STORY, BUT IN A PERFECT WORLD...
So, I went to Target, the store franchise I own, to do some shopping. Well, more like to take things off the shelves, intimidate employees with my title, and then leave without paying. With my drop-dead gorgeous -- yet funny and intellectually stimulating -- girlfriend on one arm and the other arm pointing at the young cashier who would be bending to my will and carrying the merchadise out to my Harrier jet, I exited the store through the automatic door. It opened precisely as I was approaching, such that I need not have altered my pace even slightly. Then as we lifted off, I used my superpowers to wipe the minds of all the employees working the store and all the police shooting at my jet. And then, just 'cause, my fictitious girlfriend and I ejected from the jet, destroying thousands of dollars worth of merchandise. I removed my parachute in mid air and then flew over to grab my fictitious girlfriend. We flew away into the sunset. That's right. I have the gift of flight. I don't need any jet at all.



* In fact.