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Monday, July 11, 2005

Three Of Five Random Thoughts

#3 Automatic Doors

This anecdote doesn't paint the most flattering picture of me. In fact, you might even say it makes me look like a complete ass. In fact, you don't even have to say it. Because, in fact, I just did. In fact.*


I was shopping at a Target store a while back with my sister. We left the store through separate doors. As I exited, I thought I was going through an automatic door. I stood there in front of the door for a good five seconds, staring at the door, thinking that it was probably one of those automatic doors with a delay.

You know what I'm talking about? You go to a door, an automatic door, and when it doesn't open right away you think it's just a regular door, so you extend your hand to push it open and suddenly it flies open automatically. It's delayed just enough so that everyone in the store has had ample time to see you extend your hand. And when it opens automatically you are officially an ass in the eyes of all.

Anyway, this door turned out to be just a regular door. I sat there waiting for it to open by itself. When it didn't, and I finally understood, I awkwardly pretended that I was standing there, intentionally not opening it, for some legitimate reason.

I don't think I had ever seen my sister laugh so hard in my entire life. I killed my sister later that day. No, I didn't. But that would have been pretty funny. No, no... I guess it wouldn't be that funny. Well, not "Ha Ha" funny, anyway.


THE SAME STORY, BUT IN A PERFECT WORLD...

So, I went to Target, the store franchise I own, to do some shopping. Well, more like to take things off the shelves, intimidate employees with my title, and then leave without paying. With my drop-dead gorgeous -- yet funny and intellectually stimulating -- girlfriend on one arm and the other arm pointing at the young cashier who would be bending to my will and carrying the merchadise out to my Harrier jet, I exited the store through the automatic door. It opened precisely as I was approaching, such that I need not have altered my pace even slightly. Then as we lifted off, I used my superpowers to wipe the minds of all the employees working the store and all the police shooting at my jet. And then, just 'cause, my fictitious girlfriend and I ejected from the jet, destroying thousands of dollars worth of merchandise. I removed my parachute in mid air and then flew over to grab my fictitious girlfriend. We flew away into the sunset. That's right. I have the gift of flight. I don't need any jet at all.



* In fact.

20 Comments:

At 12:25 AM, Blogger AgeofAquarius said...

Too bad this isn't a perfect world... :(

 
At 1:53 AM, Blogger 52X Max said...

In fact, you are Super Andy
But I didn't get it, why was the police shooting at your jet?

 
At 2:40 AM, Blogger Me said...

The fact that I know exactly what you're talking about caused me to sit here laughing my butt off as I read. I've never actually tried to play it off though.

Gotta love the backwards doors too. Doors are supposed to open INWARD. This Starbucks that I frequent has a pull door and 9 out of 10 people give a huge push when they approach it. They quickly catch on and try to act as if they knew all along.

Quite immature, but I could people-watch and laugh my ass off all day.

 
At 6:59 AM, Blogger MEP said...

Hahahaha, I am ALWAYS the girl that either walks up to the non-automatic door expecting it to open OR who pushes the pull door (or vice versa). Sometimes this happens even when I've been through the door a million times but it's been a while and I've forgotten.

 
At 8:15 AM, Blogger geekdarling said...

"I don't think I have ever seen my sister laugh so hard in my entire life."

Heheh, and isn't that what sisters are for?

 
At 8:45 AM, Blogger LoriLoo310 said...

You'd think I would learn ... no. I frequent a lunch establishment atleast once a week. One door on a double-door entry is always locked, the other is not. I pull on the locked one. ALWAYS! I'm such a fool.

 
At 9:08 AM, Blogger gawker said...

I'm the person who pushes the wrong side of the door and in the wrong direction and needs a friendly stranger who is behind me, to advise him. The stranger, later, gets killed in a mysterious accident not involving doors.

 
At 9:12 AM, Blogger jazz said...

i'm the girl who goes up to automatic doors and they won't open because i'm too little. i need to carry another twenty pounds in a backpack to get those things to open sometimes...

 
At 12:51 PM, Blogger Janelle Renee said...

My husband* has been known to sit behind vehicles with their hazards on waiting for them to move.

*OK, really, I have been known to do that. He's the smarty pants who just points it out.

 
At 2:13 PM, Blogger sarah the great and wise said...

I did the door thing-- only I was digging around in my purse as I walked toward the supposed automatic door so I ran smack-dab into it. I don’t think anyone saw it happen; that is what I tell myself, anyway.

 
At 8:32 PM, Blogger Syar said...

i've been there my friend. only i get laughed at by the security guards guarding the damned automatic-but-only-on-tuesdays doors. and that's even worse. i like your perfect world. can i live in it?

 
At 5:48 PM, Blogger Mike Todd said...

The door thing really bothers me, too, but usually I'm too worried that rock singers are only rockin' me half the time.

 
At 6:53 PM, Blogger anycollegestudent said...

Somehow I still like the first story better :)

 
At 9:14 PM, Blogger Gloria Glo said...

I'm a sister. I would have laughed. I'd still be laughing. I am laughing.

 
At 1:35 AM, Blogger SJ said...

Ever "walked" into a glass door? Happens to me. They should have some kinda label or sticker even if it just syas "Glass Door" :)

 
At 1:36 AM, Blogger SJ said...

Ok ending quote should be after "into" like this "walked into" or am I being anal-retentive!

 
At 4:05 PM, Blogger Matt said...

I worked at Subway (or as I call it, "Le Subway") and we had a pull door AND a ledge you have to step up on. I've laughed many a times when stupid-a teenagers would walk up and push on the door, then figure it out and trip on the way in. Probably didn't help that I tipped the door mat up a little bit too, huh? But it makes for great comments...like this one.

 
At 6:33 PM, Blogger Carrie said...

Jasmine I just discovered something... I don't know you, yet I hate you. LOL Ok so I'm bitter and jealous that you are that tiny.

Anyway yes Target gets me on that every time. The one here only has ONE automatic door. And I often do the very same thing.

 
At 1:31 AM, Blogger R. U. Serious said...

Son...drugs are terrible things.

Scared Bunny Blog – Yes, it’s offensive!

 
At 8:37 AM, Blogger PureViLmay said...

hah. i bet if i was your sister i would die of laughter. heh. *dun kill me*

soooo funny..

 

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