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Sunday, July 24, 2005

Is It Hot In Here, Or Is 'Here' Even What I Think It Is Considering I'm Hallucinating From This Ungodly Heat?

UPDATE: Now that I've had a chance to cool off a little and regain some sense of reality, I've added the proper temperatures and measurements. Hope this helps you... get through the day... or whatever. Anyway, carry on. With life in general.


It's rather hot here in Kenosha, Wisconsin. The temperature is about 97F (36C), but with other factors it's said to feel like 112F (44C). I wouldn't really know as my skin melted off minutes ago. Or maybe that was just more hallucination? Oh, there's a gorilla. He's asking me to watch him dance. "Watch me! Watch me! Andy, you're not watching!" he whines.

And, of course, now my DVD's are sprouting arms and legs and running wild around my room. Swingers just clotheslined Anchorman and now they're duking it out on my bed.

The Yoda doll on my desk jumps onto my shoulder and tells me it's time to take my vitamin. It's 1:00PM. That's odd, usually the Yoda doll does that at 12:00PM. Very strange. I see the heat is affecting everything.

I may have just soiled myself. Oh, no, that's just more hallucination. The lower part of my body just turned into a roaring river, running down to my floor. I figured I had just wet myself. Thank goodness. And now the water on the floor is turning all metallic and it's morphed into some kind of looking glass, a portal to another world.

So, I'm gonna go ahead and have a look. Yoda's telling me not to go, but the DVD's are cheering me on. I wonder if this world has air conditioning.

I reach for the portal, but it closes on me. The metallic liquid slides across my floor and up my wall. It forms a nice mirror on my door. It's elaborately designed, a bright and brilliant silver, jewel-encrusted. I walk up closer. Oh, there's a tag on a string here. Someone's written something on the back.

Dear Andy,
Even if you didn't watch my dancing, I still love you. Here's a gift to show how much I appreciate you.

Love,
The Dancing Gorilla


Aw, isn't that sweet? Even on these ungodly hot days, man and gorilla can come together in peace. Oh, now the DVD's are jealous. Here they come. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, stop it! What did I tell you about sitting on top of the stereo, Blade Runner.

DVD's will be DVD's, right? Yoda, help me out here.

23 Comments:

At 3:11 PM, Blogger Ripsy said...

The joys of the Midwest.

 
At 6:43 PM, Blogger Syar said...

its hot like that in malaysia almost always, but we're nearing the rainy season. must be something about wisconsin, i've never gotten affectionate presents from my gorilla. i feel neglected.

 
At 7:47 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

You are brilliantly crazy.

I love it!

 
At 9:06 PM, Blogger scribe called steff said...

Watch it, Andy. Those drug habits get out of control in a hurry.

Moderation, my friend. Yes, the grass is greener... but it's also stronger. ;)

Ahem. I know whereof I speak.

Dispensing fine pharaceuticals since 1993.

 
At 9:17 PM, Blogger Carney Man said...

Yeah, 112C is hot, but try 120C with 10000000% humidity. Now thats hot. Sometimes here (Nacogdoches, Texas) it is just 5 degrees cooler than hell. And hell, I've heard, is rather hot.

 
At 11:12 PM, Blogger madman said...

Have you ingested something illegal andy?

I dont think it really matters, it seems to add a bit of a spin to your blogging.

Where can I get a yoda doll like your one?

 
At 1:25 AM, Blogger 52X Max said...

I can only Imagine that yoda doll:
"Time to take your vitamin is, Andy".

You should (or maybe you shouldn't) come to Mexicali, the place I live, in Baja, Mexico, it's about 50 Celsius in the shade, that's more than 120 Fahrenheit or something, but it increases in the afternoon and more if you're exposed to the sun, it's also very humid...
so acording to carney man, I live in hell.
That'd be really cool if it wasn't for the heat

 
At 2:51 AM, Blogger glamourous cod said...

hey, could you care about your French readers (me) and translate the temperature in °C degrees. I'm not a dvd, but i'm still very sad...

 
At 8:31 AM, Blogger Caro said...

fun with global warming.

 
At 3:26 PM, Blogger sarah the great and wise said...

Here in the DFW area it is not quite as hot as hell, or even 120 with 10000000% humidity, but it is hot enough that the ground is sending up the excess heat in waves that make dead animals, retread, and fence posts dance in ways that are probably not nearly as amusing as Andy’s gorilla.

 
At 4:10 PM, Blogger The Everglades said...

I start seeing stuff anytime I eat a form of water-based cheese, like ball park nachos or a renegade batch of rotel dip. And then I flip out.

Blake

 
At 4:57 PM, Blogger Carney Man said...

Yeah, but DFW doesnt have quite as many trees either. Yall are lucky. The chickens here are laying boiled eggs, dry ice is wet, and the buildings are sweating. So yeah, it might not be Mexicali or hell, but its damn close.

 
At 5:43 PM, Blogger Walking Wounded said...

I've got lots to look forward to soon.

Peace

 
At 9:45 PM, Blogger 52X Max said...

mmm, doing the math, 97 Fahrenheit is about 36 C, 112 is around the 43.5 C or something.
and for carney man, this isn't a competence, i've been to texas and it's indeed pretty humid, it's gotta be the global warming, i think it's got something to be with burning all those flags

 
At 2:37 AM, Blogger Me said...

You don't have AC? I think I'd die if we didn't right now. It's never ending.

Well, actually, they say it should be ending this week. Yay. Temps in the 70's. I'll take that.

 
At 6:11 AM, Blogger Doggie Extraordinaire's Mom said...

You're actually having a Wizard of Oz moment. The tornados that have been frequenting your area have probably caused your head injury and the "dancing" of objects in your view. Just click your heels together three times and say the magic words.

Blake, were you making a "cheesehead" reference in your comment? I'm from IL and I must say, I'm liking you more and more all the time!

Sorry, Andy. Your blog is great, despite the fact that you're from Wisconsin. ;)

 
At 11:12 AM, Blogger piu piu said...

its bloody miserable here in the uk

 
At 1:14 PM, Blogger Dan Flynn said...

Yeah,

It's fucking miserable here in the UK. The summer started really well with scorchio but has tailed off into a miserable grey bastarding dreary drearysdom. Still, musn't grumble, at least my house hasn't been swept away by a force five hurricane. Though I did see it was sunny between storms, hmmm, some people have all the luck.

 
At 2:54 PM, Blogger GrrlScientist said...

NYC is no picnic, I can tell you, especially when I am living without air conditioning. As a result, my apartment is 84 degrees in the morning when the outside temps are reported to only be 79 degrees (I have a thermometer in my apt just so I can bitch about the temps!). No wonder I feel like losing my cookies all the time. I sometimes refer to this as the "summertime (AKA hell) diet".

GrrlScientist

 
At 3:13 PM, Blogger jazz said...

you know, you're crazy, but i loved this. brilliant randomness...

you must tell all about your post on my blog. will go up wednesday night or thursday morning...

 
At 10:01 PM, Blogger Nadia said...

After this, I'm pee-in-my-pants excited to read what you've done for Jazz.

 
At 7:53 AM, Blogger spinsterwitch said...

This is why I live in the Bay Area and not my native midwest!

I can only imagine what -20 F with a good clipping wind will bring us with your imagination (and we only have a few months to wait!).

 
At 4:20 PM, Blogger Kirsten J said...

i am not going to try to beat anyone on here. in these comments and their beating each other at the weather game. utah is warm and dry and tolerable since everything has a.c. my life is the easiest and i lose at the contest. ta ta ta ta ta..... wait when i talk about tolerable in utah i wasn't referring to "tolerANCE." because we don't have that here. sorry, back to the contest.

 

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