Five Reasons Why I Believe I May Be Superhuman

These are five reasons why I believe that I may be superhuman. Besides the obvious fact that I am. It's little things. But when these things are listed together, it's a compelling argument.


1. I have superhuman vision.

A few years back, I went to the eye doctor. I don't have glasses, and I'm the only one in my family of six who doesn't. I had never been to the eye doctor (at an older age anyway). But I'd been getting constant headaches while reading in class, so I figured that it was just my time to get glasses and join the rest of my family.

I had the drops put in my eyes and then was tested. After leaving for a few minutes, the doctor came back in and said, "Listen, I'm not really sure why you're having headaches, but you appear to have 15/20 vision, which is better than normal."

"So... what you're saying is I'm superhuman?" I asked.

He chuckled. "Well, I wouldn't necessarily say— "

"Superhuman," I echoed, staring off into space.

He chuckled again, clearly getting a kick out of it. He went to pick up his clipboard. "So, I guess there's really nothing else. You can leave whenever you're re—"

You see, he never finished that sentence. Because, as he picked up his clipboard, he smiled at me, and I smiled at him. And then, beams of energy shot from my eyes and decapitated him.

I don't know. Seems convincing.


2. I've never broken a bone.

In my 22 years of living (not to mention that thousand years or so before birth when I didn't live as much) I've never broken a bone in my body. I'm not sure why.

No joke here. Just the truth. Well, wait, hold on. Pee-pee, doody, booger. There.


3. I can fly.

That's right. I can board an aircraft virtually anytime I want, with virtually any airline, and fly to virtually any destination. If only I could describe the freedom to you.


4. I once lifted a car off of a person.

There was a car crash near my house a few years back and someone became trapped underneath one of the vehicles. I, personally, rented the miniature crane and operated it myself. The man I pulled out from under the car was unconscious, but looked thankful. Every year, on the anniversary of the incident, I visit his headstone.

Sometimes I think if I had just gotten the crane the next day rather than two days after the crash, he might still be with us. Live and learn, am I right?


5. I have X-ray vision.

Aside from my superhuman sight, I also can see through anything. I discovered it at the supermarket one day. I was trying to find a specific cereal with a specific toy in the box, and as I browsed the aisle, my eyes suddenly changed into X-ray mode and I could see through all the boxes.

I never got the toy I wanted. Not because it wasn't available — there were loads of them. But suddenly there were naked women everywhere and I just couldn't concentrate on cereal. When I got to the check out, I noticed the cashier was a very attractive girl. She smiled at me, and I smiled at her — though, I assume the reasons were different. And then, beams of energy shot from my eyes and decapitated her.

*****

When weighing the evidence, it's hard to refute the claim completely. I mean, no broken bones. 15/20 vision. Crane operation. I'm not trying to build myself up as being better than everyone else, but, heh-heh, the score's not looking great for you guys.