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Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Five Reasons Why I Believe I May Be Superhuman

These are five reasons why I believe that I may be superhuman. Besides the obvious fact that I am. It's little things. But when these things are listed together, it's a compelling argument.

1. I have superhuman vision.

A few years back, I went to the eye doctor. I don't have glasses, and I'm the only one in my family of six who doesn't. I had never been to the eye doctor (at an older age anyway). But I'd been getting constant headaches while reading in class, so I figured that it was just my time to get glasses and join the rest of my family.

I had the drops put in my eyes and then was tested. After leaving for a few minutes, the doctor came back in and said, "Listen, I'm not really sure why you're having headaches, but you appear to have 15/20 vision, which is better than normal."

"So... what you're saying is I'm superhuman?" I asked.

He chuckled. "Well, I wouldn't necessarily say— "

"Superhuman," I echoed, staring off into space.

He chuckled again, clearly getting a kick out of it. He went to pick up his clipboard. "So, I guess there's really nothing else. You can leave whenever you're re—"

You see, he never finished that sentence. Because, as he picked up his clipboard, he smiled at me, and I smiled at him. And then, beams of energy shot from my eyes and decapitated him.

I don't know. Seems convincing.

2. I've never broken a bone.

In my 22 years of living (not to mention that thousand years or so before birth when I didn't live as much) I've never broken a bone in my body. I'm not sure why.

No joke here. Just the truth. Well, wait, hold on. Pee-pee, doody, booger. There.

3. I can fly.

That's right. I can board an aircraft virtually anytime I want, with virtually any airline, and fly to virtually any destination. If only I could describe the freedom to you.

4. I once lifted a car off of a person.

There was a car crash near my house a few years back and someone became trapped underneath one of the vehicles. I, personally, rented the miniature crane and operated it myself. The man I pulled out from under the car was unconscious, but looked thankful. Every year, on the anniversary of the incident, I visit his headstone.

Sometimes I think if I had just gotten the crane the next day rather than two days after the crash, he might still be with us. Live and learn, am I right?

5. I have X-ray vision.

Aside from my superhuman sight, I also can see through anything. I discovered it at the supermarket one day. I was trying to find a specific cereal with a specific toy in the box, and as I browsed the aisle, my eyes suddenly changed into X-ray mode and I could see through all the boxes.

I never got the toy I wanted. Not because it wasn't available — there were loads of them. But suddenly there were naked women everywhere and I just couldn't concentrate on cereal. When I got to the check out, I noticed the cashier was a very attractive girl. She smiled at me, and I smiled at her — though, I assume the reasons were different. And then, beams of energy shot from my eyes and decapitated her.


When weighing the evidence, it's hard to refute the claim completely. I mean, no broken bones. 15/20 vision. Crane operation. I'm not trying to build myself up as being better than everyone else, but, heh-heh, the score's not looking great for you guys.


At 12:59 AM, Blogger Doggie Extraordinaire's Mom said...

I work with someone superhuman as well. He has a very valuable gift: the ability to slow time. Whenever he opens his mouth and begins to converse, the earth seems to slow and you can actually feel the molecules in the air bouncing into you. You watch his mouth and it seems to enunciate every syllable with painful longevity, causing your own heartbeat weaken and grow faint. I swear, one day he will slow time so much I might actually die of stagnation. Your powers are cooler, though. I wish he had that decapitation feature built into his powers -- sometimes I wish my head would fall off so the agony would stop.

At 1:09 AM, Blogger winz said...

hilarious! keep them coming! ;)

At 2:35 AM, Blogger Me said...

I've never broken any bones.

As for the rest, you got me.

At 5:11 AM, Blogger PureViLmay said...

You're so funny!!

At 9:16 AM, Blogger kinkyrhombus said...

now, us guys, which side of the fence are you speaking of? i could never compete for the girls with you, i knew this from your intern days.

At 10:44 AM, Blogger Flash said...

That was perhaps the funniest you've been since leaving NY.

At 10:54 AM, Blogger TheMann00 said...

If 5th grade, my vision in my right eye got MUCH better. Dr. asked me about 10 different ways if I had either hit my head, or poked my eye. He couldn't explain it! 10 years later, I went to get lasik for my eyes, and my right eye (the one that got better) was 20/25 without prescription. So I didn't do anything to it, because it's nearly perfect. Used to be somewhere around 20/100. Few months after that, I got some weird eye-action from that same right eye, so I went back to the Dr., and I had a Tumor! It was pushing on my eye, making my vision BETTER! It was at this time that I realized that I could see into the future with my right eye. However, because it could one day make me blind, we decided to take it out. After surgery, I asked if I could keep the tumor, and they said no! Now I realize that I have givin the government my future-seeing tumor. As if big-brother wasn't enough already...

At 3:04 PM, Blogger Former Intern Andy said...

That was perhaps the funniest you've been since leaving NY.

Normally, I'd get defensive here, but you might be right.

Though, the flag burning and gitmo things were pretty good I think.

At 3:09 PM, Anonymous Big Bro said...

What? I've never taken anyone's tumor to further my aims for world domination! Not that you can prove anyways, themann00. Ahh... the sweet smell of plausible deniability.

Poor Lil' Bro. It must be rough for you being a laser-visioned superhuman in a family of near-sighted evil geniuses bent on world domination. In time, though, we will discover the brain implant that will make you a docile cow to do our bidding. Of course, Laura is secretly working on an adamantium-shelled cryogenic capsule to store you in should you resist...

Shit, there I go revealing the secret plans again. Just ignore that last bit. Really, I'm only kidding. The smelting factory is just a hobby and has no role in making cryogenic capsules of any sort. Really.

At 5:42 PM, Blogger Syar said...

i've never broken any bones either. but that's just a weak hearted attempt to deflect my obvious weaknesses against you, super human andy. what if my eyes are worse than normal, like...almost half blind with coke bottle glasses? can't that count as some sort of super power? I'm just saying, if janeane whats-her-name used bowling as a super power in mystery men, I should be getting a big slice of slack, don't you think?

At 7:37 PM, Blogger jazz said...

first: i think some of your commenters [cough flash cough] are a little critical. you're funnier than all of us put together. who the hell is he to judge like that? to each his own, i suppose.

second: when we met, i honestly felt like you were undressing me with your eyes. i wasn't far off. no undressing needed, i just looked plain naked to you all through lunch. damn.

At 8:15 PM, Blogger Former Intern Andy said...

Bro: I just realized something. After years of denial. You were right! I AM adopted!

Jasmine: HAHA! Well, I can't say I didn't deserve that. My eyes may have wandered downward once or twice. But it's not really my fault. You had one of those pornographic necklaces on. The one made of tiny pairs of boobs. I mean, how am I suppose to concentrate when your boobs are all in my face. Your many pairs of tiny, tiny boobs.

(Haha, I just made myself laugh)

At 8:19 PM, Blogger 52X Max said...

that was like a flashback from the super andy blog days.

And honestly, I think this blog is better than the intern, because you have the freedom of posting whatever you want.

I once broke 3 bones, then I felt bad about that poor guy.

At 10:33 AM, Blogger Cate said...

Number 3 seems particularly compelling evidence to me. I can only imagine your bank account if you really are able to fly any time.

At 1:35 PM, Blogger Gloria Glo said...

First, not a robot. Now, 15/20 vision and able to operate a crain and fly via American. Really. Don't know which is most surprising....but I can think of plenty of uses for that laser vision....

At 4:05 PM, Blogger Andy said...

What was the name of the book you recommended to people looking to improve their writing?

At 4:21 PM, Blogger Former Intern Andy said...

It must have been either the Elements of Style (Strunk & White), an all around writing improvement book, or STORY (Robert McKee), more about telling a story.

Aside from that -- and I feel stupid playing the "expert" -- reading in general helps my writing.

At 8:02 PM, Blogger spinsterwitch said...

Well done, former intern andy! But please don't smile my only superhuman ability is to grow really long hair, and without a head, where would I be?

At 8:15 PM, Blogger Manjusha said...

ROFL!! :)

Sunglasses, dude!

At 10:10 PM, Blogger Nightshade said...

That was very funny, kepp up the blog, i love reading it from time to time.

At 6:37 PM, Blogger Katie said...

Seriously. You're so much more entertaining than College. Thank you.

At 4:04 PM, Blogger mediumlatte said...

Well, Superman. I'm sure you will find your Kryptonite someday ;-)

At 10:35 PM, Blogger scribe called steff said...

Story would be the book for improving storytelling, Strunk & White is the editor's grammar bible.

Andy, it is one of your funniest since NY. I wouldn't say funniest since I really enjoyed the flagburning one, especially since I had a brilliant comment on that. Ha. Quid pro quo, man.

But yes. Very fun. Hmm. Me... superpowers. Prescience? I always kinda know when things are gonna happen. Handy. Doesn't work for gambling, though, which pisses me off.

The Cunting Linguist.

At 12:18 PM, Anonymous tiendas eroticas said...

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