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Friday, August 05, 2005

What If I Was The Only REAL Human And Everyone Else Was Just Robots?

I've just had a considerable and totally original thought. Dude.

What if I was the only REAL thinking, breathing, self-aware human being? And what if everyone else was just a robot? Think about it. All of these concepts I've learned since being raised from a toddler by my robot parents are all a hoax, a sheet pulled over my eyes. Things like the existence of God -- how am I supposed to believe what a bunch of robots tell me? For all I know, this God might just be a robot, too. And you better believe Jesus was a robot.

That's right. I said it. Jesus was a robot. It's time someone spoke out against that fish and bread-producing pile of circuits on high. Just think about it. Knowing that Jesus was a robot, would you be as impressed by all those "miracles"?

I think if, back in biblical times, people saw Jesus do something amazing, like bring a man back to life, they'd probably freak out. But the second you revealed to them that Jesus was a robot, you'd see the joy flush from their body, like someone just told them that the Easter Bunny killed Santa Clause and then turned the gun on himself in some sort of wild, seasonal-figure, suicide pact.

It's a worthy analogy.

You tell them Jesus is a robot and they say, "Oh, well, I guess bringing someone back from the dead is pretty cool, but... you know, he's a robot. So what's there to get excited about? ... Wanna go watch the lions eat Christians?"

But I'm getting off on a tangent.

So, clearly, I'm the only one who is thinking right now. Everyone else is all data tree, file search, data search, file tree, etcetera, etcetera.... And everything I say will be stored somewhere in their databanks, right? I mean, if I ask them what they think of social security, they've got a pre-programmed answer. It's hidden by a series of um's and uh's and disguised by a human-like voice. Though I must say, after this breakthrough, it's pretty obvious that some of these people I come across in everyday life are robots.

"Sir, if you will not quiet down, I am going to have to ask you to leave. Please leave, before I contact the authorities."

Who talks like that?? No contractions. "...the authorities"? That guy was so totally a robot.

But then what does it all mean? What is the ultimate purpose? Why is it that I was chosen to be human and you were all given simple, blog-decoding robot brains? Furthermore, who chose me? Robots? God? Robot God?

I just hope it has nothing to do with Robot Jesus. Man, I hate that Robot Jesus so much!

Honestly, Jesus rising from the grave? Come on. He sputtered out, wires were crossed. The other robots fixed him, he got back on stage, and everyone freaked. "Jesus! We thought you were dead!" Of course, he lied and told them that he was dead, instead of the truth. That he was really a robot.

Think about it. It all makes sense. Of course, given the fact that you are all robots, perhaps I am wasting my time telling you this. I may have even let my presence be known to the robot community. Which could be dangerous. You know, we wouldn't be in this situation is it wasn't for Robot Jesus.

Pfft. Lying, Robot Jesus...

24 Comments:

At 2:45 AM, Blogger glamourous cod said...

What if you were the most perfect robot ever ? What if Robot God (or Robot Buddha) had created you just to see if "freedom of speech" would be a bug in the system ?
Obviously, you are. I am sorry to inform you that we are going to have to erase you from the database.

 
At 7:36 AM, Blogger madman said...

Oh Andy, when will you learn?
Apparently now.
Join Us Andy. It only hurts for a second, but then you can join us robots. It's great, you can unscrew your head.
The health benfits are bad, but it doesnt matter, all you need is oil.....
Join Us......

 
At 8:23 AM, Blogger Andy said...

I love that movie short circuit. Johnny 5 could be MY robot Jesus anyday.

 
At 11:31 AM, Blogger Janelle Renee said...

You do know, of course, that now that you know, we robots have to kill you.

 
At 3:35 PM, Blogger Nikhil said...

You can run, you can hide but sooner or later we are gonna turn you(into a robot... if it wasnt already clear)

 
At 6:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have a question? I have the answer: The underground molemen.

 
At 9:14 PM, Blogger anycollegestudent said...

I get a Body Snatchers vibe from this entry...

 
At 4:38 AM, Blogger 52X Max said...

1010111110 10100111 10000010 10101110 10111010

 
At 9:49 AM, Blogger Gloria Glo said...

If you get a manual, please reprogram my romantic life, because, quite frankly, there's a glitch.

 
At 11:52 AM, Blogger Me said...

This is one of those thoughts / questions that sneak into your robot head and mess with the system. I used to ask my mom if she was really my mom or if she killed my real mom and is some random lady dresses like my mom. Yea. I was 7.

Totally off from the robot vibe but you catch my drift.

It's what happens when you're smart. You questions things. :)

 
At 6:55 PM, Blogger Syar said...

hmmm...seems to me someone's not questioning the possibility of being the only non-robot in the universe, but rather repeating your, I mean someone's hate for robot jesus. yeah, he's always stealing my jokes at parties.

would animals be robots too? how would that work? and plants? how could you make robot ferns? would anyone want a robot fern? systems...overloading...too....many....absurd....questions....must....short....circuit....and...DDdIIiieeeeeeeeee.....*my light up robot eyes go out* *a wire sputters*

 
At 8:37 AM, Blogger spinsterwitch said...

I am a robot? Can I get an upgrade?

 
At 2:33 PM, Blogger saitothesniper said...

of course, some robots are sexier than others…

(a mac OS X robot in a Windows world)

 
At 7:49 PM, Blogger Walking Wounded said...

"...And Everyone Else Was Just Robots?" LOL Too funny!

Reminded me of Real Time with Bill Maher when he quoted Bush asking, "Is America's children learning?" No George they isn't! LOL

Peace

 
At 10:34 AM, Anonymous Big Bro said...

Lots of people have had those thoughts - then we shoot them full of Haldol and lock them in the psychiatric intensive care unit until they can't remember why they were there in the first place. Afterwards, we release them to their Wal-Mart jobs.

I think if, back in biblical times, people saw Jesus do something amazing, like bring a man back to life, they'd probably freak out.

Biblical times? Is that like the 1950s? Apparently everyone was god-fearing back then, which is why they had lots of movies about giant robot invasions. When "God" was walking around in a giant robot outfit and attacking non-Christians, people had a reason to fear "Him."

 
At 2:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

http://www.bare-jesus.net/

 
At 8:33 PM, Blogger scribe called steff said...

I bet it's not just me feeling depressed over the lack of summer comments. Fuckin' hell, man. What, do people got lives or something?

How dare they?

Oh, behave! For ADULTS only.

 
At 8:37 PM, Blogger scribe called steff said...

Oh, bad form! I thought I was repeat commenting! I read this post days ago, but I must've rushed off. Bad Steff!

Sorry, Andy. :P

I remember now: Blogger was down.

Anyhow, Jesus freaks everywhere are gonna short your circuits after that one, dude.

>siZZlE!<

It was a fun post.

For ADULTS.

For silly rabbits.

 
At 9:16 AM, Blogger jazz said...

must kill human...

human is traitor....

 
At 9:48 AM, Blogger Chris said...

When I was a kid, I thought my entire family had been replaced by robots.

It was only as an adult that I realized they were all Republicans...

 
At 9:16 AM, Blogger cookie said...

Hmm... You didn't mention where robots came from in the first place...

ROBOT LAND!?!?!

 
At 12:34 PM, Anonymous eleventhsky said...

Interesting twist on solipsism. Back when my parents used to force to go to church, I deluded myself to thinking that Jesus really DID die only for ME, the only real human being --

http://eleventhsky.typepad.com/

 
At 7:17 AM, Anonymous Pageboy said...

'Je pense donc je suis'
Est ce que les robots pensent?
Do you speak french?

 
At 12:18 PM, Anonymous Steamboat Ski said...

What if you really are human but act as predicably as a robot due to socialization and the manipulative people around you... I live in Steamboat so do I ski because I love it is it a result of my environment and influential people around me?

 

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