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Monday, February 27, 2006

This Post Is Embarrassingly Small... And World-Changing!

I keep seeing commercials for Puzz 3D. These are puzzles which defy the laws of traditional puzzle-dom by building away from the center of the earth into three dimensions, shattering the outdated view that had puzzles existing only within two painfully constricting dimensions.

But I have exciting news in the world of puzzles! I'm now in development with a puzzle firm to take us into the next generation of puzzles...


That's right. Not only will you be assembling your puzzle along 3 axes, but you will also travel forward through time as you do it. Minutes will whiz by you in one dimension while you solve the puzzle in the remaining three.

As we all know, up until this point, the flow of time ceased when construction of a puzzle began, to maintain the 3 dimension standard. Something in the theory of quantum time manifold has been keeping us from exploring the last great puzzle frontier. But no longer! My long research and studying has finally paid off!

Welcome to the future!

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

An Uplifting Story

This blog is about tearing down. Gutting. Destroying. Demolishing. Cutting open the belly of my everyday life to watch the innards slop onto the ground, blood-soaked and bile-ridden, with a stench befitting a hobo's back-up urine/belly lint collection jar.

But today, I thought I'd build up, rather than take down. To raise, rather than raze.

This story is about a highschool basketball player who finally got to play in his first varsity basketball game. He scored 20 points in four minutes. AND, he's autistic. Pretty impressive. Watch the video. It's kind of powerful.

Friday, February 17, 2006

What Planet Do We Live On?

Nine Dead.
Fifteen Dead.

I really don't like religion. At least in its organized form. But especially in its radical form. It doesn't seem to do much except cause death. Polarize the population. Make me feel guilty about masturbation. Masturbation that has nothing to do with altar boys. Except maybe for me being dressed as an altar boy.


Anyway, this whole issue boggles the mind. People are being killed -- KILLED -- because someone in another country drew a caricature of a religious figure. A few lines on a piece of paper.

No one seems angered over the fact that Garfield is still being printed. "HAHA, Garfield sure does love sleep! Genius!" No, not genius. Awful. And Ziggy has never been funny. Marmaduke? Funky Winkerbean? Ridiculous.

What I'm saying is, let's be angry and kill people for the right cartoons. Jim Davis and whoever it is that draws the rest of that crap. Religious cartoons are a flash in the pan. But Garfield will seemingly... *sigh*... go on forever.


No, I'm kidding. We shouldn't kill people over cartoons at all.


Except Garfield. That's really exceptionally awful.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Cheney's Bloodlust Knows No Bounds

Cheney wants us all dead. And he's doing the job one human being at a time. This is made more evident by the most recent Cheney news which report that the Vice President shot his hunting partner. "Accidentally."

Cheney Accidentally Shoots Fellow Hunter

This obviously isn't the first time Cheney has been in the news. Here's a few other headlines that come from a simple search.

Cheney Authorized Aide To Leak In CIA Case
Libby Claims Cheney Approved Classified Media Leaks
Cheney Accidentally Shoots Hunting Companion
Iraqi WMD Will Be Found: Cheney
Cheney Rejects Gay Marriage Ban
Cheney's Halliburton Ties Remain
Irked Cheney Gives Leahy An 'F'

Now, some will say that none of these news stories says anything substantial or damning about the Vice President. Maybe. But what happens when I switch a few words around, perhaps combine a few headlines?


"Cheney Authorized, Shoots Fellow Hunter"
"Libby Claims Cheney Gay"

"Cheney: 'Companion For Gay Marriage Will Be Found'"

"Libby/Cheney's Gay Marriage Will Be Approved"
"Cheney, Gay Companion To 'F'"
"Cheney Accidentally Shoots Cheney"
"Cheney Shoots Aide, Libby, Companion, Iraqi"

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

The Whole Muslim Cartoon Issue

I've been following pretty closely the controversy over some European newspapers printing an offensive cartoon involving the prophet Mohammad. The outrage in the Muslim world has turned deadly now as four people have been killed during protests in Afghanistan. Buildings have been set ablaze, and protests in general have been getting, more increasingly, out of control.

While I sympathize with the angered Muslim world, I cannot help but question their reaction. Now, obviously, the Muslim people do not act as a single entity; there are millions of Muslims around the world, each with his or her own individuality. You can't make broad-sweeping generalizations about a group of people based on one member. However, to those members of the Muslim community who are protesting violently and setting things on fire, I will say this:


It's bizarre to me. It's difficult to really describe my feelings on the matter. Except maybe through interpretive dance. But since you can't see me, and this isn't a video blog, I'll just draw it out.

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Neo-Nazi Robida Dead At Age Who Gives A Shit

Friday, February 03, 2006

Oh, Neo Nazis...

Recently, a teenaged Neo-Nazi named Jacob Robida (aka DOUCHE) entered a Massachusetts gay bar, shooting two people and using a hatchet on a third. I don't like Neo-Nazis. In fact, you might even say I hate them.

But I want to understand them. I want to understand their motivation for believing and doing the things they believe and do. What's the reason for a Neo-Nazi to enter a gay bar? Oh, it just hit me.

This kid is totally gay!

Dude! You totally went into that gay bar! You're totally gay now! Yes you are! You didn't know that?? That's how it works! Haha, I can't believe you did that! You're so totally stupid! And now you're so totally gay! I'll bet you made out with guys, too...

Oh my god, you did!! No, that's not like a handshake to them! Oh my god, you totally made out with a bunch of dudes! You're like one big ball of gayness now! Soon you'll be calling everything fabulous and stuff. You're just thinking about feeling up big muscle-bound guys right now, aren't you?! You totally are! I mean, come on, look at your picture...

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Oh my god! You are totally gay!


Okay. That's enough. I don't want to make light of a very serious issue. But, since I don't condone violence of nearly any kind -- except, of course, against this guy -- the only way I know how to react to bad people is by making fun of them. And calling a Neo-Nazi who hates gays "gay" seems like a good way to get my frustration out.

Seriously, though, look at that photo again. That's the gayest kid I've ever seen! Talk about Gaylord McGayerton! Welcome to Gaytown, USA! Population: gay Neo-Nazi kid! Gaaaaaaaaaay!

Thanks to an anonymous source, this photo of
the Neo-Nazi Jacob Rabida has just surfaced.
Compelling evidence, to say the least.
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More as it develops.

Thursday, February 02, 2006


Shan emailed me, tagging me with this new 4X9 trend. Nine questions involving four answers for each question that's suppose to reveal a bit about your personality. I wrote Shan and told her to shove her 4X9!

But I deleted that text.

But then I told her to get off her high horse and stick it where the sun don't shine. She thinks SHE can email me and just tag me with these new internet games?? Eff you, I said in my email! Eff you, Shan!

I deleted that, too.

Here's the thing about me: I like to avoid conflict at all costs. So what I was eventually comfortable enough to press SEND with was something like...


Awesome, gurrrrrrlfriend! I luv these net games LOLOLOL!!!! I can't believe I haven't seen this 1 before!!!! ROFL!!! Check my blog in a day or so to see the final resultssss!!! XXOO!!!

Andy outeee!

It doesn't have the force of the previously unsent messages, but I think she got the idea. Heh, anyway, here is my 4X9. Thanks for the tag, Shannon.


Four Jobs I've Had In My Life
  • Maintenance Boy
  • Shipping & Receiving
  • Musician
  • Job-Lister*

Four Films I Can Watch Over And Over
  • Blade Runner
  • Office Space
  • MST3K's Mitchell
  • Glengarry Glen Ross

Four Places I Have Lived
  • Kenosha, WI
  • New York, NY
  • Imagination, USA
  • Homicidal Psychosis, USA (oh, I kid**)

Four TV Programs I Love To Watch
  • The Daily Show
  • The Colbert Report
  • Smallville
  • NOVA

Four Places I Would Have Visited, Had I Had The Money
  • Los Angeles, CA
  • Toronto, Canada
  • Tokyo, Japan
  • Australia

Four Websites I Visit Daily

Four Of My Favorite Foods
  • Cheeseburgers & Fries
  • Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookies (warm-baked with alliteration)
  • Pizza (never met one I didn't like)
  • Donuts

Four Places I Would Rather Be
  • New York City
  • Near new girlfriend***
  • Soundproof room w/ drumkit
  • Secluded cabin full of books

Four Bloggers I Am Tagging (in no particular order)

If any of these bloggers have already done the 4X9, I apologize, and will now participate in a ritual suicide for my error.

Well, that's it. I hope this entertained you as much as it did the tiny, tiny Yoda figure sitting left of my computer. NO, TINY YODA FIGURE, NOT THE POWER COR---

* Get it? See what I did there?
** This should read "kill"
*** As soon as I let her know she's my girlfriend... oh, I kid... or is it kill? Hmm...